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Just thought i'd share - sorry, this is long :!::!::!::!:
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~*Telly*~
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2005 8:06 pm
Posts: 1455
Location: Auckland
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 Just thought i'd share - sorry, this is long :!::!::!::!: I went to my counsellor this morning, and she was asking me what I felt I needed to do to symbolise leaving those bad memories in Auckland.
Something happened to me a few years back (that I won't go into here) that I've had trouble dealing with, and I guess that was what she was trying to get at.
I told her in regards of the baby we lost, I said I'd thought about doing a couple of scrapbooking pages of all the pregnancy stuff from this latest pregnancy, from the pregnancy test, to the letter from the hospital saying they'd booked me in for my pregnancy. We are also (in CHC) going to do a memorial garden on our land. A special garden area (where the bloody horses won't eat anything) where we can bury baby, and maybe put a little chair there or something.
I also told her that I'd never forget my angel, and will always be in our hearts and part of the family. While I still have some pretty crappy days, I am starting to have more good days now. Is this acceptance? Do you ever accept a miscarriage? I think this has been a big hurdle in my grieving process, and every now and again I still have a little cry, but it doesn't effect me the way it used to and render me useless for days.
Pregnant woman and newborns still get to me, I still think that could have been me. I still haven't had my first AF yet either, 55 days since D&C. I know I'm going to be a wreck when it comes. We know we want to start trying for another baby, but I guess we just have to wait until AF comes and goes....
Is this sence of peace I have at the moment, or is it just a clearing in the clouds before the storm comes? Possibly, but I'll deal with that when it comes.
Christmas time is going to be hard, that I already know. Seeing as baby was due that week, and the excitement of having baby so close to Christmas day and having it's first Christmas so soon.
Mike asked me how I was feeling about things the other day. I responded with "I feel I am in a different place now. While I still think about it all day everyday, I don't cry about it as often, and just treating each day as it comes, and dealing with things as they come. Loosing the baby is still very upsetting, and yes I still have my moments, and it feels very private to me now. I'll never forget my baby..."
OMG  this has made me all emotional.
Does any of this make sense? I don't know if I'm making sense myself.
(Great, now I'm crying)
I dunno, I guess this morning's session at the counsellors made me think a little bit. And I guess what I am trying to get at, is that it still hurts inside, but each day i grow stronger, and don't have as many bad days as before, but still do have bad days.
I also want to take this time, to thank all you ladies for helping me, and any other help that I may need beyond this post. I beleive I wouldn't have made it without you guys or my loving husband, and I am very thankful for that. I know when I have my moments and bad days, that you guys will be there for me to vent and whinge to. I'm not saying I'm fixed and cured (if you know what I mean) but trying to say that the support I've had has helped me greatly.
Hmmm, just thought I'd share - thanks for reading.....
Big hugs to you all
Attachments:
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~*Mummy to now SIX angels ~ I miss you my babies ~
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| Thu Sep 01, 2005 2:06 pm |
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Kim
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:43 pm
Posts: 1315
Location: Whatawhata, Hamilton
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Telly I understand what you mean, I found my 1st miscarriage really hard to get over. But each one after that I have virtually taken it in my stride until I lost Thomas and I now know my life will never be the same, I will still be the mummy of 2 beautiful girls and one beautiful son living in heaven and 4 angel babies. I totally know what you mean with the hurting inside but dont cry as much, I have more good days than bad now but when I have a bad day i feel like crap and am really down.
If it wasnt for my lovely little sis pip coming and helping me cope for the last 15 months I am sure I would be a wreck now.
Since joining this group I have also found peace and know there are people here that I can rant and rave and vent and you all know where I am coming from.
Big (((HUGS)))
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| Thu Sep 01, 2005 2:21 pm |
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TrinityClair
Site Admin
Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2005 3:01 pm
Posts: 1689
Location: Auckland
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Hey Telly,
What you are feeling (from my experience and from what I have learnt) is completely normal. I don't know that you ever accept a miscarriage, like any loss you just learn to live with it. Although in saying that, I think I 'accepted', for want of a better word, my miscarriage because thats what I felt was expected of me, not so much from my family but from the general public, I felt like it was 'only' a miscarriage and it was early at that so I should just 'handle the jandle' and get on with it. It wasn't till we lost Trinity that I think I got to grieve (and still am) for my other 2 angels as well. I still have days when I feel totally hopeless and worthless, but I'm beginning to have more 'ok' days than not so ok (I say ok because I still don't feel like anything can really be good just yet, if you get what I mean). No one expects us to forget our babies (well no one with any sense of compassion anyway), in fact I think thats what makes us who we are, the fact that we don't forget. Look, now you've got me babbling. Oh, I just had a thought. Perhaps the feeling of calm comes not from accepting the loss, I think for me anyway thats impossible, but from accepting that we have to learn to live with the loss. Does that make sense??
Anyway, it sounds to me like your making progress and thats so good to hear.
heaps of ((hugs))
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MANDA
 
 
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| Thu Sep 01, 2005 2:58 pm |
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~*Telly*~
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2005 8:06 pm
Posts: 1455
Location: Auckland
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Manda, what you said there, hit the nail on the head. I just couldn't think of how to put that down in that post.
But I understand what you are saying, and agree with what you said, and feel that way also.
Thanks ladies  )
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~*Mummy to now SIX angels ~ I miss you my babies ~
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| Thu Sep 01, 2005 3:05 pm |
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