Hi There. My name is Andrea and my partner Cliff and I lost our little girl Ayla on 10 Jan 08 at 26 weeks gestation. I found your website and thought I would join - although not really sure what to say, feel, do at this point. But I would love to talk to other mums who know the sadness, pain, isolation and numbness that follows on from losing a much loved baby.

Hi Andrea,
I'm so sorry for your loss of precious Ayla, but am glad you found us. Your loss is still so raw. , you summed it up perfectly, pretty much everyone who has ever lost a chld has quoted those exact words. Those feelings will never really go away, which for some can be a comfort, but you will learn to live with them. Feel free to come here whenever you want. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, nothing you say here is wrong, it's all a part of grieving. Take care hun, I look forward to getting to know more about you and your precious daughter.

Thanks for your quick reply Yes, the loss is still very raw - but each day at a time eh? today I am just feeling sad and have cried a lot - which in some ways is a relief - after the surealness and that feeling of "automatic pilot" that came over me during Ayla's delivery. It has been 22 days since we went for a scan and found out our little girl had died and it's 19 days since I was induced - at times this feels like a lifetime - at other times it seems like yesterday that Ayla was alive and breathing inside my tummy. I am feeling isolated from a lot of people - my partner as he is at a different grieving stage than me and at times appears to just want to forget this ever happened and not talk about it - my parents as I cannot bear to see them upset and hurting because they can see this is breaking my heart, as it is theirs - my sister as she feels terrible that she has two beautiful daughters - 18 months and 8 weeks - my friends because they just do not know what to say.

I feel very ripped off and cheated. And of course I have asked "why" so many times....I so desparately wish Ayla was with me in person, not just in spirit.....

Life feels a bit "on hold" at the moment awaiting test results etc. I don't know what to think or feel. I also understand that they may never know why my beautiful daughter had to leave. Gosh - my daughter, that sounds surreal too - I have always wanted a little girl. Now I have one - but I just cannot be with her. Life Sucks!!!

Hi there, My name is Yvonne. My Husband (Neil) & I lost our little girl , Satori on the 14th November 2007 at 37 weeks gestation. It still seems quite unbelievable and cruel that this has happened to us or that it should happen to anybody when a child is so loved and wanted.
Andrea my heart goes out to you and Cliff as I am quite possibly in the same place as you, where everything is so raw and the future without my precious little girl is both bleak and a bit scarey. I do believe that things must get easier as time goes on, but right now the saddness and pain are with me as constant companions.
Somebody asked my the other day how I was getting on and the best way I could describe it was to say that I feel lonely, but not for people, as there have been alot of very special people around us throughout, but lonely for our baby, and what would have been.

Hi Yvonne,
(((hugs))) hun, I'm so sorry you lost your darling girl. Again, like I said to Andrea, I am glad you found us, adn possibly found each other, it's always nice to find someone in the same place as you, I hope you both find comfort with each other. Things do get easier as you go one, but the pain never really goes away, it almost becomes a loyal friend, constantly reminding us of what we have lost, not that we could ever forget. I understand you lonliness, I felt that too, and even though we have been blessed with 2 beautiful children since we lost Trinity Clair, there is still a huge gaping hole where she should be, and I can never wrap my arms around all of my children.
Did either of you decide on an autopsy? (Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable)
Did you have lots of support at the births of your girls? Did you manage to get hand/footprints, pictures, hair if possible etc?

Sadly, welcome Andrea and Yvonne.
I'm so sorry for your loss of Ayla and Satori.
As Manda said those feeling never really go away, but the rawness of your heartache will dull over time.
It's been nearly three years since I lost Riley but it still feels like yesterday and in some ways that is a comfort.

Huge hugs to you both
Jacqui

Thanks Yvonne for you message. I am so sorry for your and Neil's loss of Satori (what a beautiful name). Yes, I can relate to the 'lonely" feelings and the emptiness. Even grieving for the beautiful baby bump that I carried around so proudly. Did anyone else grieve for their swollen tummy?!? It sounds really show-offy but I used to walk down the street and want everyone to see that I was blissfully pregnant! I was just so proud of myself.

I went out and bought a lovely necklace the other day and got Ayla's name (pronouced eye-la) and her date of birth engraved on it. It is so comforting to wear that everyday - just something to keep her close to me.

After we lost Trinity what I moslty wanted was to keep my stretch marks, all I could think of was that my tummy was going to shrink so the only physical thing I would have left of her would be those, funny, since most mums would want to be rid of them, they are my external scars in more ways than one.

Your necklace sounds lovely. I don't have any jewelry with Ts name on it (yet). DH gave me a locket for valentines day the year before we lost her, I've put a lock of her hair in it, I don't look at it often, just knowing that it's with me is comfort enough, I never take it off.

Yes, I requested an autopsy to be done, and they took the placenta away for analysis as well as taking bloods from Cliff and I. We have an appointment for Genetics counselling (I think that is what they call it) with the obstetrician on 06 March when we will get our results - so it is a long wait. Initial observations on Ayla (from the midwife and attending doctor only) noted limb deformaties (although nothing too obvious to the untrained eye) and low set ears, so Ayla may have been Down Syndrome or Edwards Syndrome, but as the midwife said - it could also be hundreds of other reasons so we are not taking that as gospel at this stage. I have driven myself mad searching internet sites looking for a reason.....but have made myself stop as my brain was overloading

It can be a dangerous thing searching for answers on the net can't it. I'm still undecided on whether getting an answer is a good or bad thing, or if it makes a difference at all. We had an autopsy done but it revealed nothing. The only possibility was a cord accident from cord compression as the cord was around Trintys arm and she had a very definite handprint on her forhead, you can partly see it in the third pic in the photo album. Whatever it was it was quick because she hadn't passed any meconium suggesting she was never in distress, I think that was the only comfort we got, that she didn't suffer.

Hi All, thanks for your kind words. We had excellent support from our specialist and he brought in an independant midwife who was just what we needed, as there seemed to be alot of infighting between public and private in Middlemore at the time - politics at a time like that!!!!
We dealt with some quite incredible people along the way - it is amazing how not only family and friends, but also complete strangers are so supportive when this type of thing happens. I spent 4 days in Hospital as I eventually had Satori by c-section, and apart from taking her away for PM for the day, Neil & I and family & friends spent alot of the three days with her. I will forever be grateful that we had that time.

We had hand and foot moulds done which are so nice to have and then we found a photographer who took some priceless shots for us to hold to.

We have since had our PM back and it seems that the cause was gestational diabetes, which is kind of good to know, but it also makes me feel quite angry, as I feel that my body has let me down to the extreme. You see I had GD in my pregnancy with my 3yr old son, and quite badly from 28weeks - I was treated and he was born healthy and alive. With Satori I had had 3 GTT tests up to 30wks, and GD was not present. My last GTT test was on the Friday before I lost her, so I did not get the results until the next week, and I had a GD count of about half of what I had had with Flynn. The PM reported that I had had diabetes for about 2weeks, and lost her within a 10day period from forming clots in my placenta - a very acute and aggressive result.

If you girls would like to share pics of your darlings with us you are more than welcome, though we understand it is a very private and personal choice.

This isn't my most fav pic of Trinity so I haven't shared it online before, but it shows quite clearly thehandprint on her forhead on the left of the pic (above her right eye).



Satori, does your son have any idea of what happened, how does he cope with it?

Yes, Flynn was aware that he had a baby sister ready to be born, but he has only just turned 3 this month so it was a tricky one. Originally I said that Satori wasn't well and that she had gone up to the stars, but later read not to tell your child/ren that the baby was sick as they will think that whenever somebody is sick that they will go away, so I changed my story and said that Satori was not in mummies tummy for long enough, and that babies who do not stay in there mummies tummies for long enough do not live with us, but they live in the stars, and that we can say hello to her whenever we would like to to. We also planted a tree for her and he calls it the Satori tree - he actually mentions her alot, so I have put photos out of her now and I talk to Flynn about her whenever her brings her up. We also held her service at our home, with a closed coffin, and explained this to him. As the coffin was driven off he said Bye Bye Satori in the boot!! It certainly lightened the moment.

Andrea, I missed my tummy sooo badly - the worst thing was that it took me two years to lose my stomach with Flynn and about 2weeks to lose it with Satori - I felt very ripped off.

I wear Satori's bracelet that my mother brought for her, on a chain around my neck and I can't see that coming off for quite some time as I feel connected to her in wearing it. The only thing is is that people (public) ask me about it and it can be very hard to have that conversation.

I also did a bit of internet searching which in hindsight probably didn't do me alot of good, but at the time it was necessary to search for any answers I could get my hands on. Everybody along the way so far has told me to do what I feel the need to do or feel right doing. This is possibly one of the best pieces of advise I have had no matter how silly or odd you think the thing may be.

I am just going to go and pick up flynn so if I don't answer straight away - you know why.

Yvonne

Manda,

Thanks for posting the photo of your beautiful girl TrinityClaire, I know how special these are.

I will put a photo up soon but I must run now and pick up Flynn.

Take Care

Firstly I want to say that I want to welcome you Andrea and Yvonne to TLO and send you both big Cyber huggles even though those do not really help at all.
The Ladies on this site have gotten me and are still getting me through the hardest patrs of my Life, they have been there to share in the good things and have mopped up many tears.
Yvonne, I am assuming you live in Middlemores Zone, where abouts are you? I am in Papakura so if you ever and I mean ever would like the company of someone who understands and you do not have to explain yourself to pm me and I am more than wiling to be there.

Hello ladies and welcome to this special place. Thankyou for sharing your stories with us, it always helps to know that there are others out there who share your feelings too.

Manda - that is a lovely picture of Trinity, I had never noticed that hand print before. I know that this probably sounds strange but I am so envious of you having these wonderful pictures to hold. We never had the oportunity to do this and that is something I will always regret and wonder about. You are very lucky.

Welcome to both ladies, I am sooo sorry you have to be here, but am glad you have found this awesome place.

I am away at the moment but will do a proper intro when I get home at the end of the week.

Huggles
Kim

Hi Lisa, Liz & Kim,

Thanks for your messages and it is good to know there is support around from people who know what we are going through. It is the hardest thing to deal with and my heart goes out to all of you as you have all been here and lost your precious little ones.

Lisa we live in Alfriston, so maybe it would be good to catch up at some stage. Let me know what your schedule is and maybe we can organise something.

Yvonne

Welcome Andrea and Yvonne, I'm so sorry for the losses of your precious wee girls. I too have found the ladies here an immense support over the past two years, I hope you too find that same support.
Hugs,
Emma

PS. Manda, that is an amazing pic of Trinity, the handprint is so clear!

PPS. Liz, I struggled/struggle with the same thing. Having nothing left to hold from our wee angel except the profound effect that she had on my life. I think that's part of the reason I haven't buried her yet, I can't bring myself to let go.

Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a threadjacking, but, no matter how much I sit here and stare at her picture, she just won't open her eyes but, oh how I try, and she always looks so sad, I wish I could hold her and tell her it'll be ok, I just want to sit here and absorb her through the picture.....

Oh Manda, really big hugs to you sweet I know it's not the same but you are always holding her and she knows that.
And thank you for sharing your beautiful pic of Trinity.

Hi There

I am so sorry you have a reason to be here ladies, but am so glad that you were able to find us here. The support network here is awesome, the ladies are awesome.

Vent here anytime ((hugss))

Anyway, My name is Telly

Manda - what a precious picture of Trinity

Hi All, attached is a photo of our beautiful little girl, Satori. Unfortunately I have to send a black and white as my colour ones exceed the attachment size for the site.

Manda, I read your post yesterday and feel very much the same way, and know that i will continue to want to hold her and comfort herthroughout my life.

Oh hun that is a beautiful photo ((hugs)) thanks for sharing such a personal photo

Yvonne, that is a precious picture of Satori. The first thing that struck me when I saw it was how peaceful and content she looks in her mummy's arms. Big hugs!

Manda - more big hugs