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 Need a friend 
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Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:34 pm
Posts: 7
Location: Nelson
Post Need a friend
I have been looking for support for ages and have just found this site. Full of peope who obviously understand a place where i dont have to explain why im feeling the way i am you al just know. Our baby Jack was born a year ago.I cant believe it was year ago. We moved to Nelson and i just havent found anyone tht i can talk too who has been thru this terrabile nightmare. I have to explain to everyone yes we have three children but you can see only two of them. We are expecting our fourth in a few weeks and im really scared of things going wrong although im pretty sure things will be ok, i just cant be sure. Im crying so hard while writing this so i hope it makes sense. It is hard to type thru so many tears. If there is anyone in this area that wants to talk i would be glad of a frined that really understands. i have many friends but only one that ever talks of Jack but she lives so far away. No one else wants to know.We have been told not to talk about him incase it upsets someone end even family that say they dont tlk about Jack as it may embarrass their friends. He is not just our wee boy and brother but a grandchild and a nephew as well but no one else acknowledges him as such. Just The baby that died and poor us.


Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:55 pm
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aww Jacks Mum, first off huge hugs to you Hun, what you are going through is totally normal and understandable. The loss of a child at any stage of pregnancy or life is painful, but for you to be told that you shouldnt talk about Jack is WRONG! Jack was and always will be one of your children and for you to be told to deny his existance is like saying no I dont have a nose on my face. Rest assured that on this site it is okay to say what ever you are feeling and that you can talk about your angel when ever you like.
My name is Carley SAHM to Bayden, 5, and our angel girl Julia Rose-Joy, born sleeping 3 November 2006. This site and the ladies on here have been a tower of strength to me and have help me in so many ways that I will never be able to repay them for their kindness.
In regards to you wanting to contact other parents whom have lost children, I'm not too sure if you have a SANDS group there or not, but that would be a good place to start.
Look forward to getting to know you and your angel Jack
Love and Hugs Carley

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Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:56 pm
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:03 pm
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Hi Jacks Mum.

Sending you big hugs too! :bighug:

I'm glad you have managed to find this website. The other mums I have met here have been fantastic and it really does help to have people to talk to who know just how you are feeling. As Carley said - don't let anyone tell you that it's wrong to talk about Jack - they have no right to do that. Everyone manages their grief differently, but if you feel that you want to talk about things - then do that. There are a number of us who check in with this forum on a regular basis (for me it would be a dozen times a day!), so there is always someone around to listen. Or let us know if you want to meet up in the chatroom some time.

I lost my wee man just over a month ago at 16 days old and the pain is very raw. I miss him terribly and it really helps to talk about him and my feelings.

Take care :bighug:

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Sun Mar 16, 2008 10:17 pm
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Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2005 10:47 am
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Hi Jacks Mum,
First I am so glad that you have found this site, yet saddened that you had the need.
As said the feelings you have are to be expected, The feelings about Jack and the feelings about your bubba you are now expecting. It is so completely normal to have thoughts of 'what if' this time round.
I am reeling at the thought of anyone saying you should not talk about Jack, He is your Baby, your child and very much a part of you and for fear of embarrissing the Family and friends...wow! (Not going off at you about it I promise, Just shocked that people still think that way)
And please never fear talking about Jack here or any other thing that you want to chat about.

My name is Lisa by the way, Also a SAHM to 'kita (Nikita) 7, and Cort (6 months), I have 2 Angel girls Eden who passed away from Sepsis and prematurity in 2005 at 19 hours and 34 minutes, And Laine (the Crunchie bar kid) who passed away at 5 months 2 weeks and 5 days from SIDS in 2006.

Huggles Lisa

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Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:19 am
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Joined: Tue Jan 29, 2008 12:50 pm
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Hey Jacks Mum,
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your precious Jack, and like Lisa, Carley and Tanya, I am absolutely shocked that you have been told not to talk about him. For me that would be like cutting of my right arm :!:
You have certainly found a place where you can get your feelings out and talk about him as much as you want to, however if you feel like doing that outside of this forum, just do it, I say :!: Don't let the few who may want to sweep it under the carpet, tread on the precious memories of your sweet little man! Gosh that does make me mad, that people can be so insensitive at a time when you need to be shown warmth and understanding.
I am so glad to hear that you have two older children, another little one on the way, however I can imagine this has been a hard road for you also. How did you older children cope with the loss of Jack, and how has your subsequent pregnancy been going?
We lost our little girl, Satori, 4mths ago. She was born sleeping at around 37weeks, due to a very aggressive attack of gestational diabetes. I still have some very black days, however, with the support of family, Sands & TLO, I get through them. I also have an older child, Flynn 3yrs old, who really adds balance to our situation, and makes me carry on. We are TTC at the moment, which is exciting, but very scarey also.

((((hugs )))) to you, and please come here whenever you need any support. :grphug:

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Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:50 am
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Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:34 pm
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Location: Nelson
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Thanks for your support it is really refreshing to not to have any fear of upsetting anyone or watching what you say. I get so pissed off when i meet someone and explain this is going to be our fourth child but they continue to talk of this one as being our third as if Jack never existed. Im beginning to be a bit stronger and just talk about him anyway and if it makes them uncomfortable then sometimes i almost enjoy seeing them squirm. Does any one else feel like this? I dont want to make anyone uncomfortable but Damn it I think Ive been punished enough!!! Timothy is 5years old.Just started school and loves it. He was so uset when Jack died really struggled but he doing ok now. Tells me to make sure i look after this one. A few kids in his class have lost siblings thru various other tragedies so i think this has helped him and he tells me that Jack has friends now. Benjamin is 2 1/2 . He doesnt understand but excited about new bub. Jack died at 37 weeks there was a huge clot in cord, he was little 4 pounds and placenta stopped functioning but they dont know why.Tests came back ok. Im 35 wks now and counting every single minute. Hopefuly we will be allowed to be induced. Thanks so much everyone. I feel like ive finally found a fantstic support group. sands not in this area. I joined in CHCH but have lost contact with them.


Mon Mar 17, 2008 10:58 am
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Jacks Mum,

I'm glad you have come to this site and I am sure you will get the support you need from the lovely ladies here :) It must be a very hard time for you right now, with having moved and expecting number 4 - when is your doctor/midwife going to let you know about induction?
I'm sorry but I did not read back, and the answer is probably on your initial thread, but have you had your little angel Jacks 1st anniversary yet?

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Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:21 pm
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Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:03 pm
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Hey Jacks Mum.
I'm really pleased you have found this group and found it comfortable to talk about things to us. Best of luck with the coming birth of your 4th child. I'm sure if you talk to your midwife about your fears, she will be able to get you in for an induction without any problem. I've already discussed this scenario with my midwife for when I eventually get pregnant and she said it wouldn't be a problem to get me in around 39 weeks for an induction. Of course every one is different though.
Take care and talk to you soon.
xox

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Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:52 pm
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Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2005 11:42 pm
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Location: Auckland
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HI Jacks mum

Have just found details for SANDS Nelson which has just been re established.

Nelson (re-established)

Angela Hayes (03) 544-4904 Email: angelayorke@hotmail.com
Martine Robertson (03) 545-7374 Email: martine@jenshansen.com

Meetings: no meetings scheduled as yet


Wed Mar 19, 2008 7:59 am
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Joined: Tue Nov 08, 2005 10:47 am
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Location: Auckland
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Hi Jacks Mum,
I think that Compassinate friends is active in Nelson, least I know it was in 2006, I can try to get details for them for you too if you would like, My (hold you breathe everyone else...lol) MIL was going to it in Invercargill and then when she moved up to Nelson was going again. (Ok all you can breathe again, and look not a nasty things said about her aren't you proud of me)
It is good that Timothy is enjoyingbeing at school and good in a way iykwim that some of the otehr children there are in the 'same' position with having lost a sibling because he knows he is not alone in this as well.

You should be able to be induced, It will be a cold hearted person who would say No that is for sure, Thinking of you.
Lisa

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:20 am
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Thanks Ally for the SANDS info. I saw the specialist yesterday but he wont induce as ive had a previous C sect, there is a greater risk of scar tearing. and baby not yet engaged. So i have to travel into Nelson twice a week to be put on the monitor for half an hour so they can do tracings of the babys heartbeat and movements. I understand how specialist came to his decision and told him even tho i understand it wont erase any fears, stresses, and anxiety i have so i think he realised that i wanted extra care so will see him again in two weeks. In the meantime i am poking this baby every minute to make sure it stillmoves!! We 36 weeks now so not much longer. Our midwife fantastic she lives across the road so very happy to pop over anytime to listen to baby. She so fantastic. She would be happy with induction from next week but if specialist wont do then i guess we have to wait.
Jacks first anniversary was last Monday 10th of March. I feel more comfortable calling it his birthday. Tim called it baby Jacks party day which
seemed to fit nicely. I felt lost being in another city tho as we had a special place in Christchurch that was his. Even some of our friends there say that everytime they pass the gardens they think of Jack. It is crazy i want everyone to stop and remember him but at the same time want it to be very personal thing. My thoughts and feelings at times seem so random and crazy even for me to understand so i wonder how i can expect anyone else to be understanding. Thanks everyone xxxx


Wed Mar 19, 2008 11:54 am
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Hey Jacks Mum,

Its great that you have your midwife so close, it must be a comfort. I am also glad your specialist is keeping a good eye on you.
I must apologise for calling Jacks Birthday an anniversary - I really don't know what possessed me with that one! I love what Tim calls it too!

As for the random and crazy thought thing - I think it comes with the territory :o

Anyway good luck with everything, and keep us posted :)

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Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:29 pm
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Joined: Mon Sep 18, 2006 11:30 pm
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Hello Jack's Mum and welcome.
I just caught up, hadn't been on here in a while.
:bighug: to you
My name is Lauriel, I lost my little girl Chloe in August 2006, at 24weeks of pregnancy. I have a 4 year old little monkey called Eloise and my precious boy Aidan who will be 6 months old next week.

A friend told me last week she thought I should get more counselling because she felt I was talking about Chloe too much and being defensive about having 3 children and not 2.. I think we should be able to talk about ALL our children as much and as often as we want. Don't let people tell you you shouldn't mention your precious son.

Wishing you a speedy and uneventful labour!!

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Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:15 pm
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Hi Lauriel, my name is Jane, What did you say to your friend?? And how did you feel? I am just feeling so lost and so angry at people at the moment. Im so sick of explaining the whole situation. It is such a conversation stopper even with family. They say im so sorry What are they sorry for?? And then they just look uncomfortable or give you that look of i wish she would just shut up about the dead baby. I hate that. Our sons and daughters are so precious and are as much a part of our lives as any other child. They will always be very real.

What im afraid of the most is when this baby is born and they give her to me, Im scared i wont want to hold her. I can remember them encouraging me to hold Jack and initially i just couldnt do it. (we found out its a girl this time).
I really want o put a photo of Jack here but im so computer illiterate so will try very soon. :)


Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:21 pm
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Jane, you will want to hold your little girl when they pass her on to you when she's born, I promise!
I lost my little girl and had a little boy 6 months ago and I love him so much. Someone told me it was a good thing it was a child of the other gender to the one I had lost and I have come to see the truth of that.

I didn't say anything to my friend, probably just nodded but thought, "No, I don't talk 'too much' about her. I just don't NOT talk about her. She's my little girl and I love and I miss her." DH agreed with my friend, but what does he know! Men! :roll:

In August last year for her birthday I bought 3 muffins and we lit a candle on one of them and Eloise blew the candle and we had Chloe's photo on the table and Eloise kept showing Chloe('s photo) the little crystal rattle my friend gave me that day. It was so cute.

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Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:02 pm
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2005 10:44 pm
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Location: Auckland, NZ
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Aww huge hugs Jacks Mum,

Sadly welcome to this wonderful place, I really hope you find some comfort here.

Quote:
am reeling at the thought of anyone saying you should not talk about Jack, He is your Baby, your child and very much a part of you and for fear of embarrissing the Family and friends...wow! (Not going off at you about it I promise, Just shocked that people still think that way)

I second this, just follow your heart, because that is what is right not everyone else :bighug:

I lost my lil angel Riley almost 3 years ago at 38 weeks and although it still hurts (alot) it's a different kind of pain, but it helps that I can talk about him and I do, alot, he's part of my family.

Take care
Jacqui

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Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:04 pm
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Hi everybody. I have fantastic news. Our wee baby girl decided to enter into our world three weeks early. Anja Margaret Beth 6P 6oz born 26th March. We all doing really well. Im so relieved and happy although there are always those private tears for what could have been. with Jack. My MIL commented that Jack has sent us a Gift and i truly believe this is true.
Totaly unexpectd but im sure she knew i could not have coped much longer. My hubby was mortified when i jumped out of bed and told him either i wet my knickers or the baby is coming. We just had a conversation a Minute before saying that time wise it would be better for her to wait a week!! (fit much better with hubbys plans). It was truly very funny.
:D
:bighug: huge loves and hugs to all who have posted replies to my messges i am so glad to have found a place where everyone is so understanding.


Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:17 pm
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

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Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:29 pm
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:starjump: Congratulations !! :starjump:

Anja is a beautiful name. Photos please!!! :babygirl:

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Tue Apr 01, 2008 9:36 pm
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Congratulations! :D

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Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:06 pm
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Hey Jack Mum,

That is truly awesome news :joy: And what a lovely name :love2:

I'm glad all went well and look forward to chatting in future.

Big hugs to you and your family :)

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Tue Apr 01, 2008 11:00 pm
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aw Jane that is fantastic news!! congratulations. Had to have a giggle at the either you wet your knickers or the baby is coming!! MEN why dont they believe us?? :lol: :lol:
Anja is a beautiful name and she is a good weight for being three weeks early! Cant wait to see some photos, and what a lovely thing for your MIL to say that Jack had sent you a gift, because that is so true. Love and hugs to you all.

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Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:41 am
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Big Hugs Jacks Mom (sorry I am so slow) :bighug:

My name is Jenn and I lost my little girl 3 years ago at 39.5 weeks. I know how hard it is to find somone to talk to, you have come to teh right place.

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Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:23 pm
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:starjump: Big Congradulations on the safe arrivial of Anja. Beautiful Name. What a beautiful thought that Jack sent you a Gift from Heaven.

I totally recommend getting in touch with the lady's from SANDS. I joined the group here in New Plymouth and its the best thing I could have done. To offer support to those who need and have them there for support is wonderful.

My name is Fleur and I lost Camden on the 19th of July 2006 at 20wks 1day due to Incompetent Cervix. My whole world had come crashing down around us when we lost Camden. Our beautiful baby's are IVF baby's so to go thru years of TTC to finally get Pregnant and then discover I now have trouble carrying a Pregnancy. We lost our second Angel Keegan on the 6th of Feb 2007 (also my birthdate). I had the Stitch put my Cervix this pregnancy and it failed and sadly we lost Keegan at 17wks 4 days. It took me year to finally pluck up the courage to try again. So after an Embryo Transfer in Feb we found ourselves pregnant again. But Sadly it turned into a Blighted Ovum and we had a Miscarriage at 8wks.

Dont let anyone tell you, you cant talk about your Angel. I talk about my boys all the time. They are a huge part of my life as im sure Jack is a huge part of yours.

We are here for you. I should post on here more often.

And Again big congrats on the safe arrival of your beautiful little girl.

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Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:00 pm
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Sorry I am so late replying BUT CONGRATULATIONS

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Sun Apr 20, 2008 9:26 pm
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