Just wanted to vent really. Sitting here at work and if things had've been going the way I wanted, this would be my last week at work before maternity leave. Instead I am sitting here trying to keep myself on track and not get too emotional. Its so hard, I am sure the people I work with understand, but not on a great level. I keep wanting to cry

AArrrgghhh roll on home time.

Well its just gotten worse, a friend of mine just text me to tell me that she has been in labour since 6am this morning. She said she didnt want to tell me straight away in case it upset me. I am really happy for her, but at the same time very emotional. I keep thinking "what if". I just want to go home!!! Lucky for me my friend is in Christchurch to I don't need to tell her that I don't want to see her brand new baby. I suppose this sort of thing will happen right through my life. All these emotions coming up today took me by surprise really.

Hi Tracey,

It sounds like you are having a bad day It will get better but I wish I could give you a big hug right about now. It is always hard when friends have babies and when you are near your due date, and unfortunately nobody can make it feel any better.

I recently visited a friend who had just had her baby and it was hard but I think the fact that it was a boy( I was sure until this point that she was having a girl) and that I rationalised that it wasn't my baby got me through it. It was still hard as we should have been having our babies within a short period of time of each other, but I am still happy for her. In fact she was excellent as she told me she knew it was hard for me and to be, just how I wanted to be.

When was GG's due date? I know this will be one of your hardest dates to get through, but we will all be here for you.

Oh Tracey, huge hugs Hun, it is so hard when you think if things hadnt have gone the way they did I would be at ... stage. Or so and so would be doing this now. I think it is even worse when you hear of friends who go on to have successful pregnancies. Hope the day has got better for you and if my blardy pc would stop acting a goat I would have been on here more. Love and Hugs Hunny .

Thanks guys. GG's due date is 20th April. I am feeling a bit better now that I am home. Sort of burying myself in the TV. Distraction is good for now.

Oh I see that the second post went up twice??? I've been having a bit of trouble with the site over the last few days....maybe its just me.

Big hugs Tracey I'm sorry that you are having such a bad day .... I hope it is improving. I imagine it being very hard coming up to your due date. My due date was about when Liam's funeral was, so I didn't actually have time to think about it much.

I tried to log onto this site on Sunday and it said that it was temporarily down due to changing servers and I have been having trouble logging on all day (it made me realise how totally dependent I am on this site for those 'down moments'.... so I don't think think it was you.

Hey Tracey,

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling slightly better now you are at home.

As Tanya said, I can imagine the GG's Due Date will be a difficult one, so be kind to yourself, take the day of work, and do something of special significance for GG and your family My thoughs will be with you

We planted a tree for Satori - a Japanese Blossoming Cherry - which blossoms in mid November, when she was born.

Hey Tracey, hope the day got better for you.

Like Yvonne said, on Georgia's DD, be kind to yourself and definitely take the day off if you can, and just spend time remembering your angel. for Julia's DD I went to the cemetary (even though she wasnt there at that time) and just sat there for a few hours and remembered her and wrote in my journal and just spent time being still, and listening to what was going on around me. IYKWIM?
Take care Hun and remember we are all here for you.

Hi GG, It is a time when you just want the world to stop and think fo your precious one but life isnt like that it just keeps going. This is a place where people do stop and thnik and are here to listen and truly do send you lots of support . My thoughts are with you and as someone else said be kind to yourself and do something special to remeber your wee one.
Much Love to you
Jane

Thanks Everyone. Luckily the 20th falls on a Sunday so I don't have to deal with work. DH and I need to sit down and talk about what we are going to do for the day. I have mentioned it to him and got a very uninterested "oh?".

Hey Tracey. I really feel for you. Do you think DH is scared that if he talks about it that he will leave himself open to feel too sad, so it is better to stay in his 'cave'.
My DH has really battled with trying to be the 'strong one' and support me, but luckily for him and me, his emotions do take over every now and then so we can talk quite openly about things.
Would it help to say to DH that he doesn't have to be the strong one all the time and you would like to be able to support him in his grief as he has supported you (you probably have already, but just throwing around ideas). It's always a tough one - everyone deals with grief differently and men particularly struggle with expressing themselves. Life would be so much easier if men came onto these sorts of forums and expressed their feelings as we do. I've given up trying to understand why they do/say things and just accept that we are just different!

Ok, enough rambling.

Take care and good luck!!!
xox

Thanks Tanya. I have to strike the right time with him I think. I have said all those sorts of things to him, but I think my timing has been wrong. We've been together for 9 years and the first time I saw him cry was on the way back from the hospital after we had an amnio. We were both so worried about the results. We were driving along the road and all of the sudden he pulled over and just burst into tears, I had never seen such emotion from him before. Then when GG was born he only cried a bit, but I swear I could see the moment his heart broke as he was holding her. I think he had done quite a bit of it when I was in hospital. Now he seems "empty".

Oh Tracey my heart is breaking for you and DH. With my DH it took over a year before he showed any kind of emotion in front of me and he too burst into tears (very strange for him!!), as up until then he had felt like he had to be the strong one and keep calm for me. Like you said you have to bring these talks up at the right time otherwise it is like talking to a brick wall. You will know when the time is right, and maybe for Georgia's DD, make some plans yourself and just tell Hubby what you have organised and that may be the way to start the converstion off. Just an idea, because maybe he is too scared that if he talks about Georgia again he will lose it? Dunno just and idea. Hope that helps and big hugs to you and DH

I am going to do Georgia's memory book on the 20th I think. I havent been able to bring myself to do it, so that might be the right day. I will talk to DH and ask him if he would like to help me. See how that goes.....

That'sa lovely idea Tracey. I am starting to really look forward to doing Liam's scrapbook/ memory book, but won't start it until Caitlyn's one is up to date (I'm currently doing October 2007!)

My friend has 2 wee ones, Maddy was 2 on 11 Jan (same day as GG was born) and Jordan was 1 in March! She was so "into Maddy's book" and it was all up to date when Jordan came along, but now I think Jordan has a couples of months in his one and Maddy's stopped altogether! At least you are still working on Caitlyn's!

My husband does not really talk about the loss of Baby Beanie. At night when I close all the blinds I look for the brightest star and say to him there he is he is watching over all of us. He'll be "Aha" He never really seems to have much to offer with feelings, but I think it is the man way of dealing with things. Dylan did not truely believe that we had lost the baby until I was the last stages of labr, then when Beanie was laying on the delivery table he realised that we had lost him, he cried and cried and cried, but then he got freaked out with being around him. I did not want to leave him, he just wanted OUT!
Men are from mars women are from venus, who says we are sposed to know and understand, that's why we attract to each other.
We just need to be there for them when they really need us.
Sorry blah blah blahing.

Sara, you are so on the money about how men grieve differently to us women. And like you said all that you can do is be thre for them when they feel that they need to talk. Hope that things are going okay for you.

Big Hugs Tracey,

It must be so hard to deal with the friend's new baby. I think it is good that you don't have to work on GGs due date.

Well today was supposed to be my last day at work then maternity leave and motherhood was all mine. It wasnt something that I tried to think about today but I must have been aware of it on some level. I've cried 3 times at work today over a stupid mistake. I threw up because I was wound up about this mistake I made earlier in the week (I agreed to something that I definatly would not have had I been listening!). I have been so distracted this week and I havent really been thinking too much more about things than usual. I was still at work at 6.30pm tonight (I work 8-5) I logged into TLO, read some of the stories and the poems and before I knew it an hour and half and half a box of tissues (and everyone I work with) had gone. I lit a candle for Georgia in the candle room and read some of the candles and just cried, for Georgia and all her Angel friends. Then for my Nanas, my Dad, my dogs, cats.................the list goes on. I have been one soppy mess all day, now I'm going again, sheez.

Oh sweetie, what a horrible day for you with all those reminders! Sending you the biggest cyber hugs I can

I am thinking constantly of 'what ifs' lately. Particularly if it's a nice day and I take Caitlyn to the park - I keep on thinking that I should be here with my wee boy in his stroller enjoying the sunshine. There is a huge empty space and I often feel guilty for feeling so empty because I still have Caitlyn!! - but I can't help it.

I hope that you are starting to feel better. I think we just have to face it that there are always going to specific days, places, times that remind us of what we have lost and to just go with the emotions.

Take care
xox

HUGS!!!

Yes, HUGS!!

huge from here too.