Im just didnt know which way to turn or who to turn too and I guess here is the best place!!

Almost all of my friends have children or are Pregnant. Im happy for them but cant help feelng jealous and envious of them and wish it was me not them who felt the joys of being a Mother!! I wonder if I will ever be happy or feel that joy and love a baby brings with it!!

I am finding myself shutting out my friends at the moment especially the ones that are due around the same time I was. Just seeing their pregnant belly brings home to me what I have lost. Im not generally a Jealous or envious person and I hate feeling this way but I just cant help it!! I find myself questioning WHY ME all the time!! I see woman at the shops who are pregnant and have another child with them and I find myself thinking to myself "I hate you!! You have one child already why do you need another let me have my turn"!!! I so hate myself right now!!

I am also finding im pushing my husband away. Im shutting him out as I dont want to hurt him with my emotions yet I am hurting him by pushing him away. I have gone back to work even thou I dont feel like working its a case of having too to get ourselves back on track with bills etc...!!

Im so confused and frustrated with life at the moment. I hate the person im becoming. I dont want to be bitter and twisted to feel hate and anger towards someone else who has been blessed with a baby for all I know they may of suffered the same as me.

Thanks for letting me have my little vent here!! I just didnt know where else to turn or to talk too!! I have my 6 wk check with the OB next week and I dont want to go!! Its in the Labour ward at the Hosptial at the High Risk Ante Natal Clinic!! So not the place for an APPT!!! DH cant get the time off work to go with me and I dont really want to go on my own. I have work that afternoon and so dont want to do it but I guess life has to go on but I dont want to right now!!

Fleur, I think anyone who has been through what you have would feel EXACTLY the same. And I think it is absolutely terrible for them to expect you to have your follow-up appointment in a labour ward, I would definitely say something.

Fleur, I remember feeling the exact same way as you after we lost Julia, it is a bastard that here you are sooo longing to have a much loved and treasured baby, and here are these other people just popping them out willy nilly. I remember going to playcentre about two weeks after we lost Julia and there was a lady there who was due a week after I was...I spent the whole of the session in tears, and absolutley gutted at the injustice of it all. Luckily she understood and even sent me a letter on Julia's due date, but that is beside the point. All I can say is that this is definitley the right place to vent your feelings, as we have all at some stage or another felt like you do now.

As far as how you are coping with your emotions in regards to your DH, that one is a toughie...With my DH he just shut down and wouldnt mention Julia, so that made it tough here. Hopefully someone else will have some words of wisdom on that one.

The appiontment at the labour ward is a shite too. We had the same thing when we went for our follow up appointment. I remember sitting there and seeing all of these women with preggy bellies and feeling like throwing up and screaming at the top of my lungs. I dont know if your unit has one or not, but at ours there is a spare room where other Drs do consoltations, if need be ask if you can wait in one of those until your appointment. I am sure that they will understand and let you do that. Is there anyone who could go to the appointment with you? And could you get the afternoon off work?

again sweetie and please remember that we are all here for you and love and support you with what ever you decide to do.

Fleur - I have sent you a PM.

hi fleur, my name is debs i lost my boy just over a month ago and feel the same anger/hurt you do when i see pregnant mums or little babys. Its a painful reminder of what you should of had...i cant begin to fathom how it would feel to have to go through this experience more than once and i really feel for you. Ive got my specialist appointment very soon at the hospital too and am soooo nervous, just going into that place makes what happened a reality instead of a cruel nightmare it sometimes feels like just to get thru the day. gosh sori now its me thats venting...guess this place is the only place for it really...

i hope your apponiment goes ok

Hi Fluer

Its OK, I kinda figured that you were probably feeling this way . Its also totally normal, I went through the same sort of thing too, and I'm sure everyone on here can say they've been there too.

Just know that when you are ready I'll be here for you. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you and your boys, so please know you are in my thoughts and my heart.

It really sucks Fleur. I too found myself avoiding pregnant friends or ones with newborns (yay all due around my due date ) as it was just too painful. I knew it wasn't their fault of course, but didn't make me feel any better. I guess we just have to protect ourselves as much as we can and if that means not being around pregnant ppl then so be it!

It is horrid that you have to go back to the same place again so soon! I felt awful going back to the High Risk Clinic in Akl for the PM consultation a few weeks later, it brought it all flooding back to me. Especially seeing the bereavement room across the hall in use again And ohhh that hospital smell *shudders*

I hope the appt goes as well as it can for you Fleur.

:bighug::bighug::bighug:

I could never understand why it happened to me, why it happens to any of us, let alone taking our little precious ones from us. I also hated everyone that had a preggy belly, new born or just talked about getting pg. I realised that I was pre-judging others coz they could have had a really hard time with it all to. But it took months... My best mate had her boy who was 5 weeks prem, infact born on my birthday which should tell me something, and I still have not seen him, coz I cannot understand what the hell she did right and I did wrong but at the end of the day, it is not her fault and I to have pushed all my good friends away, they all have babies, but I just could not deal with it. It is a world that we will not ever escape. Here we all know how each other feel and I am really sorry that you have had this unpleasant journey... big hugs to you. I am 23 weeks pg but every day, I pray so hard to God, I speak to mother nature and my baby beanie to help me protect my baby. You have so much strength and I just cannot even imagine how you must be feeling, but I do know that the support from these ladies will help you thru.

Hi fleur, was just wondering how your review with OB went...i had mine today and im exahusted.
Hope they looked after you and your coping ok..? I dont really know you but i know it must be such a hard time. Im thinking of you

Thanks Debs for asking about my appointment!! To be honest it was a complete waste of time and alot of heartache!!

Why do a 6wks Check especially for someone who has lost a baby at an Ante Natal Clinic is beyond me!! I was ment to be the first appointment of the day but wasnt. I walked into a waiting room of heavily pregnant woman and completely lost it!! They must of thort what a nutter sitting there with tears streaming down her face sniffling when they are sitting there with smiles on their faces as their baby's are ok mine is an Angel!!

Debs I hope you got something out of your appointment!!

Im so angry with the Maternity Care here and have lost all trust and faith in them!! Its sooo scary to know there have been 16 stillbirths since May and its only a small Maternity Unit!! They are too laid back here and dont deal well with complicated cases!! The sooner we move the happier I will be as I hate it here!!

I got my AF on tuesday 7wks 3d after I lost Caeden!! NO we aint TTC as I dont want to till we move!! Last thing I need is another pregnancy here but if it happens I will deal with it and will be happy but the time isnt right yet!!

Thank you all for your support.

Oh Fleur that sucks that your appointment didnt go so well. I still cant get over the fact that they made you wait!!! and the fact that there have been 16 stillbirths since May!!!! Holy Crap!! i dont blame you for wanting to wait until you move to a better place before TTC again, obviously the maternity care over your way is sadly lacking.

It sucks when AF turns up for the first time after a loss, it is like a kick in the guts, one that you sooo dont need.

I truly hope that things start to look up for you and DH soon, you both deserve a break. Please remember that we are all here for you anytime that you need to rant and rave.

from me to you

Hi Fluer, im sorry your app sounded awful its just not good enough is it, i hope the move is good for you. Where are you heading? isnt it awful how many stillbirths ther are. When I had my app they told me they have about 3 miscarraiges a day at the hospital and about 3 stillbirths every 5weeks! Thats too many... I didnt get much out of my app either. I alreadt knew my placenta had abrupted but i still dont know why...at least they are going to give me some blood tests. I was dissaopinted becasue the consultant was busy so i had a registrar i hadnt met before..i really wanted to see someone who was there, i was in hospital for 2 weeks i must have seen nearly every dr and i get given the one who was on holiday when it all happened.

Be kind to yourself you have so much to deal with...
Hope you get some time off work over xmas and it goes ok

Debs

Oh Fleur!

I had noticed that the maternity unit has been having a spate of Stillbirths recently. Every week there seems to be another one in the paper, it just breaks my heart.

Have you decided when and where you are going to move?

I know Liz its scary isnt it!! I dont like to read the Hatch, Match and Dispatch columns anymore!! I have noticed too that just about every week their is a Stillbirth!! Too many for such a small Maternity Unit!! Im surprised it hasnt been looked into!!

Debs we are looking at moving to Hamilton, in Feb/March next year. I dont want to have another baby here and I want to be closer to a Maternity Unit that deals with complicated cases like me!! The Fertility Clinic where all of our Embyros are stored are in Auckland so alot less travel too!!