Hi, my name is Sarah and my husband Paul and I lost our darling little boy Sebastian on 22 January. I was 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. We had a preliminary report after the autopsy and it seems that an amnotic band had attached to his cord and cut off his oxygen. We were told by the doctor that we were incredibly unlucky because usually they attached to a baby's fingers or toes. Sebastian did have one attached to two of his tiny little fingers but the likelihood of one attaching to the cord is an one in 20 million occurrence. I can't believe this is happening to us. I didn't think you lost babies after the first trimester. I feel so naive and stupid. I feel so lost and empty and I really have no idea what to do. I have always felt so sorry for people when you read about a stillbirth but really you have no idea the living hell that it is until you are living it yourself.

Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss of wee Sebastian, what an 'out of the blue' thing to happen!
I lost Darien at 28+4, and like you I didn't consider that babies could be lost after the 12 week 'safe' period. You're not naiive or stupid though, what expectant mother wants to think about those things at all?
I know it is early days for you yet, but try to take it a day - or even hour - at a time, and do what you need to, to take care of yourself.
I'm sorry you have to be here, none of us should be. I hope you find support in TLO as we all do. (((hugs)))

hi Sarah, first off ((hugs)) to you and your DH on the so recent loss of your wee boy Sebastian. Like Jessie said, it is sad that you have had to join us here at the lost ones but I too hope that with time you will start to heal with all of our support and love. Feel free to post here anytime that you like, and dont feel like you need to hold anything back, we are all here for each other and support each other, no matter what.

I look forward to getting to know you and your family and of course your wee angel boy Sebastian.

Hi Sarah Jane...I got your private message and I did post a reply. As you already know, my son Tyler Jon died three and half years ago due to amniotic band syndrome. One of the bands wrapped around his cord and tied it off in a perfect little bow, which cut off his blood and oxygen supply. He didn't have any other bands, just that one. I was told that it is a one in 20 million chance of that ever happening. Amniotic bands are not very common. Please know that you are in my prayers and I am here to help you anyway I can

Bridget

Hi Sarahjane
Big hugs and welcome to our group .... that no-one ever wants to or dreams of belonging to. I am glad you have found us and hope that you find some comfort talking about your experience and knowing that we all understand what you are going through.

I lost my wee boy almost a year ago and the reasons for his death are still a medical mystery. I have just had to learn to accept that something went wrong late in my pregnancy, causing Liam to loose oxygen long enough to give him severe brain damage but not long enough to cause his death straight away. We had 16 very special days with him.

Take care and I look forward to getting to know you.
xox

Hi Sarah, i am so sorry you have had to join us here at the lost ones. Dont feel stupid for thinking you dont lose babies after the 1st trimester, i knew my pregnancy was 'at risk' throughout my pregnancy but i really believed my boy was gonna be ok, especially after the 12 week mark. No mother wants to believe it could happen to them infact its been 3 and a half months since i lost my boy and im stil in the process of accepting that he's gone. The days will get easier and i found talking really helpful, please feel free to post on here whenever you need to talk..this website has been a huge support to me.

Hi Sarah, Im so sorry to hear your news, but so glad youre feeling strong enough to share. I lost my son Connor coming up 1 year ago for no particular reason. Refused a postmortom, but still none of the doctors could piece it together. I felt exactly as you do, not for one moment did I think that my pregnancy might not work out. I used to worry about silly little things, but never that I might actually lose him. Anyway, I can tell you that this time is completely different in that area Take care of yourself

Hi Sarah welcome to the group that no one wants or deserves to be in, Hope you find the lost ones as friendly and supportive as I have.

Thanks so much for your replies. It is awful that we meet under such awful circumstances. It is a comfort to be able to talk to other women who are going through the same thing as I am. I am still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have lost my little boy. It is two weeks today since I had him and I still feel as though it is my fault that I couldn't carry him and I have let him down. For me each day seems to be getting worse not better. I have a little 20 month old daughter Ella and she is keeping me busy so that does help otherwise I don't feel like I could even get out of bed!!! Thanks again for all your lovely words.

Reading your message is like reading something i could have written word for word 3 months ago. I completely blamed myself for the loss of my son and i think a part of me stil does at times but i really had to forgive myself and let that go because it was tearing me apart. You loved your son deeply and always will. Your deep hurt is a reflection of your deep love for him and it is a tradgedy that he is gone but it is not in any way your fault. I recommend the book 'life after baby loss' i found it at my local library. Your grief will be a long process, as I am just beginning to realise but keep talking, hang in there and your will start to have some better days.
If you feel like chatting on the chat room here at any stage let me know and id be happy to chat with you.

Hi Sarahjane. So sorry to hear of the loss of your baby boy, Sebastian. You’re certainly not naïve, I never ever thought something like this would happen to me either. I thought that once I was past the first trimester everything would be fine. My baby boy, Blake was stillborn at 21 weeks last October and I miss him terribly. Thinking of you. Angela.

Hi Sarah , welcome to TLO, I hope this website brings you the comfort it has for me. I also thought that nothing would happen to my baby after 12 weeks, I thought I was in the "safe zone". I had heard that some babies will stillborn but thought it was a very rare occurance, but it was not until it happened to me that I understood the pain that is so undescribable. I also had no idea how many precious Angels are lost to us, far too many. I look forward to getting to know you and am sure that all of our Angels have welcomed Sebastian with open arms.

Hi Sarahjane, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss your wee boy Sebastian (((Hugs)))

Things must be pretty raw for you at the moment, and the torrent of emotions and wanting to blame your body are very natural, so be kind to yourself and just be how you need to be. You have certainly found a supportive group in TLO, and I look forward to getting to know you and your angel Sebastian better.

Feel free to post and ask or share anything you like, as we are all here for you.

Take Care

Hey everyone, I'm having a bad day. I know that you will all know about how that feels. I am still feeling numb after everything that has happened and still expect to wake up from this nightmare. I feel like I am stumbling through each day but the worst time is when I go to bed. I feel an emotional and physical wreck but I cannot sleep. My mind races and I cannot stop thinking about Sebastian and what could have been and the fact that I will never get to know him. I feel like I have let him down. I close my eyes and I cannot get the image of the minute had him out of my head. I knew he had died two days before we had him so I thought I would be prepared for the birth and everything that followed. Boy was I wrong. I have never been so sad in my life and I cannot ever imagine having a normal life again. Just wanted to let you guys know I how I am feeling.

Oh SarahJane, to you, yep the nights are proabably the worst, because that is when you cant keep yourself occupied and your mind starts to wander. There has been many a night where I could have been found sitting on the couch in the dark, crying my eyes out over the loss of our angel girl. What you are going through is completely normal, and is to be expected. Grief is a stange thing, some days you think you are a-ok, then the next thing you know you are crying over anything. All I can say is take the days how they come. The one thing I did learn was was that if someone asked me how I was feeling I didnt lie and say that I was ok, i would tell them the truth, Hey if they couldnt handle the honest answer they shouldnt have asked. So if you are feeling like shit then say you are feeling like shit.

Huge hugs sweets, remember we are here for you.

Hi SarahJane,

What you are experiencing at the moment is just shocking - it brings soooo many memories back and my heart just goes out to you. I just want to jump through the screen and give you a big hug.

This is an incredibly hard journey with lots of bumps and holes in the road ahead - please just know that we are here for you, and that we all kind of know where you are at.

I think I woke up in tears every morning for the 1st 3mths - that was my most emotional time of the day, and probably the time you are most vunerable. One thing I found healing was to write a journal. It started with talking about my pregnancy, then my birth/hospital experience, and then became a journal of thoughts and feelings that I wanted to share with my angel Satori. I also did something special on the 14th of every month, to honour her.

I hope the next few days are gentle on you sweet.

Hi SarahJane,

My name is Sara, it has been a year since my son entered the world, stillborn. No medical reason why he died, he just was too precious for this earth. Reading your story for me also has relived so many memories. I too was led to believe that once you got past the 1st trimester you were going to be having a baby.... Yahoo!!! Only to find that at 27 weeks, at a routine mw appointment he no longer had a heart beat, further scans confirmed he had died, had been gone for 4-5 days. Why me??? What on earth did I do to this poor little sole?? I hate me, everything about me, my body is not good enough??? It is very traumatic, it is a vry long road, take it one day at a time. Even though I am nearly 33 weeks pg, days can be rough still. My little angel joined a loving family of angels just like your little one, he is being well looked after. The family here at TLO is very supportive and will really look after you.
Take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself and don't expect too much!!!

Hey everyone, I'm having a hard time at the moment. Just when I think I am coping with everything I am overwhelmed again by what has happened to us. I keep thinking
that I have gone to sleep and had the worst nightmare I could ever imagine. Then I wake up to find that my life is now my worst nightmare. I finally got the courage yesterday to go the supermarket and there were two women there with newborn baby boys. It gave me a real shock and I was so upset because the realisation that my dreams for our little boy have been shattered. I will never get to even hold him. I also had a phone call from my boss asking when I was going back to work. I can't imagine ever going back there at the moment. If I have a shower each day I'm doing well let alone actually working. I'm torn between just saying I'm not coming back and feeling like I should at least try and go back. Anyway I feel better for telling you guys how I am feeling.

If you dont feel you'll cope going back to work id encourage you not to if thats possible. You need time to heal and process what has happened. Being a mum to your busy toddler Ella is a job in itself and i found parenting after losing Ezra was a big adjustment too. I really struggled with having a sense of purpose after i lost Ezra, and i didnt know what to do with myself. I also struggled with anxiety and at times stil do, try not to push yourself or expect too much...it takes time. Things will get easier to deal with, even though it may not feel like it right now. Take little steps...for example for your first trips out to the supermarket just aim to get a few things so if your not coping you can just leave.
dont know if that helps or not but just do whats right for you.
Im thinking of you

Yea, I agree. Dont go back until you are right ready. When I had my stillbirth, I went back about 1 month later, but only for 1 day a week. It gradually got more and more as I was willing, and then after about 4 months I was full time again. I dont know if that would work out with your job, but its something to consider. You really need to take time out just to grieve and think about what youve lost (I know it feels horrible!) But its for the best.

I was different I went back to tec 2 weeks after we had William and just being around other people is what I partly believe is what kept me sane However they were great with me and told me to do what I can and If I was having a hard time I could skip lectures as I needed. I think u need to do what feels best for you, and depends on your job wether u have to be front line with lots of people seeing you, Take your time deciding and be kind to yourself.

Hey SarahJane
first of all. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of your beautiful little boy.
Feel free to vent/rant/share anytime you need to, we're here for you.
It really helps to have someone to talk to, who's been through that loss.
My angel Chloe will be 3 this year.

Thinking of you and sending you lots of virtual hugs.

I would have to agree with the others. I owned my own business, I was extremely lucky that I had my parents running it for me, but they did not want to do it for very long... I took about 6 weeks out, 3 of those weeks were spent in the US, then the following 3 weeks were taking small steps to get back out into the world, they were extremely small steps. Where ever I was, I thought people were looking at me, "THE LOOSER" Lost my baby, lost my self confidence, lost everything that I was. As I owned a cafe, I decided one day I had had enuff that my sweet little man would not like me to be like this. I tell you I truely believe that being around my staff, my customers was the best decision, so many people out there really care. Do what is best for you, do what you believe it right in for you and the space that you are in right now. Be really really kind to yourself, if you wanna sit and cry, do it, do for yourself!!!
My thoughts are with you at this time.

Thanks for your good advice everyone. My boss actually phoned me today and told me to take some more time which is good. I am still just taking it one day at a time. I took my daughter back to daycare for the first time today and felt fine until I was half way there. I got really upset and thought I can't do this but I made myself. It was so hard walking in there feeling like everyone was looking at me saying 'thats her'. I do feel like such a failure that I couldn't carry the baby. I don't know what I would do without this website and all you wonderful ladies. It is so good to be about to vent to people who have been through this awful nightmare. Thanks again.

Help ... I started to write this at midnight and then got so tired cos my sleeping pill kicked in so I decided I was making no sense!! Anyway why I started to write last night was cos every time I go to bed I just get really sad and just cry and cry. I keep thinking about Sebastian and the fact that he died while he was inside me. He looked so small and helpless after he was born I just wanted to keep holding him forever to protect him. I feel that I have let him down so badly. Then when I'm not sad I'm really angry. Poor old hubby is terrified to walk in the door, he doesn't know if he's gunna find me in tears, or screaming or god else knows what at the moment. I am trying to do things with Ella as she is getting upset by how upset I am. But then if I enjoy doing something with her I feel guilty as Sebastian is not here so I can't win. I have my appt at the hospital next week to go over the PM results and am feeling sick about that and the thought of discussing another pregnancy. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. How the hell do you get through this. It is like everyone else is getting on with their lives and my is standing still and I'm stuck in a big black hole.