((hugs)) SarahJane, it sounds to me like you may need to talk to a professional counsellor.
But for my two cents worth, what you are feeling and experiencing seem perfectly natural and totally to be expected. It is a tough road to go down and along the way it has many twists and turns and the odd u-turn where you wind up right back where you started emotionally wise. Take your time and just try to take each day as it comes, but definitley look into getting some counselling. When you go for your PM results the Drs there may be able to point you in the right direction.

I agree with Carley, counselling is a really good idea. Just take each day as it comes and try and stay strong for wee Ella. Thinking of you.

Angela.

Its still early days for you so try to be kind to yourself. My daughter was going to daycare 2 mornings a week and i found those times by myself i would just cry and cry (i still do some days) and i'd just think about Ezra or visit his grave. When i went to pick up my daughter the pain would be a little lighter and i could have a good afternoon having some quality time with her. The same thing if you see a coucellor and get to let all those thoughts and emotions out, it takes some of the weight off. I know its hard but if you can try and not let the negetive thoughts overwhelm you, for example the guilt for enjoying time with your daughter...you wont ever forget or love your son any less and he wouldnt want you to blaming yourself because its not your fault. It took me a couple months to accept it wasnt my fault...so i know it isnt easy but its an important step to coping with life i again i guess.
Its a long process and i stil have days were i just cry and cry, i wouldnt say im getting on with my life but rather trying to accept what has happened and finding a way to contiue living while still loving and remebering my son.
Hope something helps...and you start to see some light in the darkness that surrounds you

Hi all, just wanted to let everyone know that I did go and see a counsellor and it really helped. I have been feeling much better lately. I think that I have accepted what has happened was a big help. I have been trying to get back into a routine but wanted to know how you all dealt with the inevitable questions when you run into someone you know, ie, 'when is that baby due', 'what did you have'. I just say to everyone 'we had a lovely little boy but unfortunately he was stillborn'. Most people just say 'oh' and then there is this awful silence. I even had one woman say I didn't think you had miscarriages that late. Argh. I wanted to kick her!!! I don't know them that well and don't feel that I should or want to explain to them anymore than that.

I have our appt on Thursday to go over the PM results and I am feeling sick and nervous about it. Don't really even want to go now but I will. I have written about 100 questions down so I am sure the doctors will be glad to see the back of me.

Hi Sarah, good on you for going to see the counsellor, it is a brave thing to do, but it has obviously helped you come to terms with your loss of Sebastian. You are right in the fact that if you dont want to explain anything to anyone you dont have to, you will know who is willing to hear the details and who isnt. I know for me my brother doesnt want to know any details about Julia, but my sister talks about her all the time.

As for the PM meeting. Great idea about the list of questions, as when you get in there they all tend to go out of your head, and dont worry about them wanting to see the back end of you, they understand what you have been through, and know that any parent would want to know why they have lost ther much loved baby and what the chances of it happening again are.

remember we are all here if you need us
Carley

Hi Sarah,
It's still early days hun. Good on your for going to a councellor, I wish I had when we lost T, but things happened that prevented that, and then time passed, bla bla bla.
I wanted to tell anyone I met what happened to T, if she had lived I would be blabbing about her, so I didn't see why I shouldn't because she had died, especially if it were to save someone else from the uncomfortableness of it all.
Most people are good, I even told someone yesterday and she had a friend who had been through it (I found that alot when I started talking to people, that they knew someone, or had been through it themselves), and she also admitted that she couldn't even imagine how sad it would be especially since she had her own baby. You do get those people who just don't know what to say, so inevitably say nothing at all, make a stupid sound, or just say something plain stupid, like 'oh well, it just wasn't meant to be', or now I get this one ALOT 'oh well, at least you have 2 beautiful children now' , I generally don't get mad at them because most of the time they just don't get it, and I don't really expect them to, it's a whole new world we find ourselves in, alot of people are just oblivious to bad stuff that can happen, naive (hmm sp?).
Like I said, I never don't talk about TYrinity to save someone else from feeling uncomfortable, if I decide not to tell someone it's because I don't want to. The times I do talk about her it's because it's come up in conversation, I don't go around ginding people to tell.
Anyway, babbling now, gotta go, take care hun.

Hi Sarah, im so glad you are starting to feel better after seeing a councellor there will proberbly still be times when you feel you are worse all over again but these become less often as time passes. I didnt experience too much questions because those around me knew what had happened but nobody talks about him i find this hard because i think about my boy so much and just want to talk about him...i guess thats why councelling is good. I had 3 sessions at the hospital and the councellor said youl be alrite now...life goes on so i felt like my time was up with her. I stil wonder if trying again somewhere else would be helpful. Anyway... I hope everything goes ok at your appoitment tommorow and you get the awnsers your looking for.
Thinking of you
Debs

Hey everyone, had the meeting at the hospital yesterday to go over the PM results. When we sat down with the dr she discovered the results weren't even on the file. Argh I was so annoyed with them. Anyway they arranged to have them faxed through and after hurriedly reading through the results the dr confirmed that it was an amniotic band attaching to Sebastian''s cord that caused his death. The bands are caused by the placenta not forming correctly at conception apparently. The bands are quite rare and often attach to fingers (which they did on Sebastian's left hand), feet, even around the waist. We were just very unlucky that one attached to the cord because there were only the two of them present. Sebastian was perfectly healthy and normal apart from being about the size of a 16 week old which is because of the reduced blood flow through the placenta. I talked to the dr about my blood pressure which was a problem with this preg and my first one. She said I should never have been left to go full term the first time and if I was to get pregnant again they would induce me early and I would also about under the care of the high risk team. The PM report said that it would be very unlikely that the bands would recur in another pregnancy. The dr did say if we wanted to try again go ahead and I would be monitored closely because of my high bp. I guess its good we can try again but of course it doesn't bring our lovely little boy back. Well I think I have rambled on enough.

Hi Sarah
Im glad you got some awnsers and that you know you would get better care in a future pregnancy. Your right it wont ever bring your little boy back nor could anything ever replace him but when your ready it could bring a new brother or sister for Sabastian and Ella and some much needed joy into your life (thats how i think about it for me anyway).
Thinking of you
Debs

Hey Sarah

I am sorry I haven't replied to your earlier posts, but i am glad that the counselling has helped you deal with some of the feelings you have been, and are having. It really is a long hard journey with lots of loops and no exits!
I kind of wish that I took on some counselling myself, after we lost Satori, as I am sure there are things that I haven't dealt with and will need to at some stage. The feeling of emptyness is a hard one because nobody can fill that gap, or make you feel better. 1year and 4mths tomorrow, and i still feel that emptiness because Satori is not in my physical life

I am glad that you got some answers at your follow up visit and that you have a plan going forward. Having another baby cannot replace the angels we have lost, but at least we can go forward with a good plan of attack for any future siblings

Take Care Sweet

I haven't been able to post for a while as our computer has broken down. I am at work today and tomorrow so am posting from there (even though I should be working)! I had been doing really well I thought but have found the last few weeks very hard. The 30th of May was Sebastian's due date and obviously the closer I am getting the harder it is. This would have been my last week at work and I would have been getting everything ready but of course I am not doing any of that. It is so hard because I keep thinking of Seb being born now rather than when he was and imagining him as a chubby little baby boy. My hubby and I had been talking about trying again so I went to visit my GP but he told me he thought it was too soon. He felt I was still grieving for Seb and getting pregnant now would be too much for me. I was a bit shocked as I had expected him to say just get on with it. It has thrown me a bit and I don't know what to do now. I have gone between definitely wanting another baby and then definitely not wanting to get pregnant. I guess I am not ready but I know that if I leave it too long I know I won't try again. Help???? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Hi sarah, like you i felt i had been coping better then found the weeks leading up to Ezras due date very hard...i was unhappy, anxious and found it hard to cope. It was partly just the anticipation of that day and its just a hard time as its a constant reminder of what should be. In saying that though a few weeks after my due date i noticed my mood improving and i felt I was beggining to find my way out of that big black hole iykwim. Of corse i still had hard days but they were less frequent and overall I began to cope better.
As far as TTC i also felt a change after Ezras due date. I wouldnt have coped well if i got preg before his due date but i felt more ready to face another pregnancy after it if that makes sense.
Dont Worry about your Doctors opinion just do what you feel is right for you.