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 Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09 
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Post Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
love u and miss u son...

40.5 weeks.. was overdue and i lost him...

not a day goes by i dont feel angry, hurt, sad... just depressed..


Sat Sep 26, 2009 4:31 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Oh honey I am so sorry to hear of your painful loss. Life just doesn't seem fair does it?
Please feel free to pop in when you need to and vent away - the ladies here are awesome and really supportive.

((hugs))

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Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:11 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
I'm so sorry sweetie :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: Such a terrible thing to happen, huge hugs.

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Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:05 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Sorry for the loss of your precious son Leyton :(
Feel free to post on here anytime.
:grphug: :grphug: :bighug: :grphug: :grphug:

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Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:22 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
:) thank you for the replies.. i've been looking for a site to help me through this but you don't find many.. i'm grateful to an old friend for refering me to this site..

i come on everyday just to look at my candle ... and read other peoples stories.. its really comforting..

anyways i'm in brisbane at the moment... my family thought i could use a holiday... i know they don't mean to . but it makes me feel like its an easy way out... or to "get over it" faster or something..

anger and blame is all i feel these days.. mostly blaming myself.. i should've noticed something.. i shouldn't have done this.. or done more of that.. everyone tells me its not my fault BUT it doesn't do anything.. it doesn't make this blame go away... i'm starting to blame my partner.. and it doesn't help with the stats saying 90% split after losing a baby.. :( :( :( i don't want that to happen.. but i can't help fighting/arguing with him..

what should i do? :(


Mon Sep 28, 2009 10:55 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Reading your post is something I could have written myself. We lost our son at 22w4d and like you totally blamed myself. I felt like I had let our son down, my husband, and myself. It was so hard - sometimes I just took each day one hour at a time otherwise I felt like I would never get through our loss. I was also angry at everyone but took it out on my husband. Men and women grieve so differently and all I wanted to do was talk about our son and my husband just wanted to get on with our lives. He thought about him but just found it so hard to talk about him. I actually went to a counsellor which helped. She made me see that the worst thing in the world had happened and it would be another tragedy if we were to break up over something so sad. The ladies on here are wonderful and without this site I don't know what I would have done. We all understand what you are going through and you can vent here anytime. Take care.

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Tue Sep 29, 2009 8:45 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
thank you sarahjane for ur post... makes me even more grateful to this site for allowing me to meet people like you.. who know what i'm feeling .. because as much as my family and friends and even my partner try to help me.. they will never fully understand what i'm going through and how i'm grieving...
its been 3weeks and 2days since my beautiful babyboy was burried... being in brissy makes me miss him so much more... my brother and sister in law are waiting for a beautiful babyboy due any moment now :) so happy for them... can't wait to see my new nephew
but you can't help but feel a little envious and a little sad.. he would've been the same age.. and would've love to meet his lil cousins...

even if noone posts or replies to this forum.. although i'm grateful for all ur posts.. its more me able to write down what im feeling and letting everything out..

my partner wanted to write something of his own.. but was a little unsure about where to post.. i thought here because although we are strangers ... we all have one precious thing in common..and we feel more comfortable sharing with people who are and have gone through this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Im an Optimist,I wish i was a Pessimist.....Why? I always took out the bad and just enjoyed the good times.When i did experienced something bad id bottle it up and just look for some thing to keep me busy until something happy came along.Lifes boring if you make it boring.So i was always happy.
Round about sixteen years i found that i was always surrounded by kids,who i would find time and time again,playing games and watching them laugh and grow up made me happy,some of them even remembered me,it was then that i wanted a baby,but it wasnt normal to have a kid at that age.
At this stage all i could do was look for my wife,YES not a girlfriend a wife! LMAO!
I dont care SENSITIVE i know,but i never did have a real father figure,Just two mums!
And i just wanted my family,to prove to my useless male role models how to be a real dad!
Anyways,Long Story Short!
I found my Baby Vaelei,well she found me! love you!
5 years later,I find out the biggest news of my life and happiest moment ever
We were having a baby!
It wasnt always easy,but it never is.
The Name
LEY-lei TONI-loni (LEYTON) LIAKI-abandoned MATAGI-storm MOLI
LEYTON LIAKIMATAGI MOLI was the name we agreed on when we found out he was boy!
40 weeks and 5days overdue......
I cant even remember what happened,We were at our usual midwife appointment Wednesday..
We told the midwife about bubbaz abnormal inactivity,and so his heartbeat was checked.
I cant remember when i started worrying but we had to go double check on a bigger sound check,It was then we found a faint hearybeat...
So we were relieved but i wasnt so sure and was advised by the midwife to get admitted into the hospital for induction,
At the hospital,After several machines,different midwives opinions,
A doctor used a ultrasound to confirm that where his heart is theres no activity!
Meaning he was in heaven already.
I couldnt believe it,i asked if he was sure
He said he would get a 2nd opinion but he was sure.
--------------------------------------------
as u can see its unfinished.. mayb he will create his own account one day and post the rest or he will just get me to post it for him.. :)


Wed Sep 30, 2009 3:38 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
hey just wanted to welcome Leytons Daddy, hope you continue to post on here.
Big Hugs to you both, those first few months are so torturous :(
:bighug: :bighug:
love the pic you designed for you son on the side too

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Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:40 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Welcome both of you :bighug: Im so sorry for the loss of your precious Leyton. Debs is right, the first few months suck. All you can do is let the grief take its course and just let it all out. And I know it wont feel like it right now, but over time it does get easier to live with. I visited Leyton's candle too, its lovely. I often look at all the candles and think of our angels. My first baby Connor was stillborn last feb when I was almost 37 weeks. I went for a check up with my midwife and she couldnt find his heartbeat. Its a painful memory of that moment, sometimes I can still feel the black hole swallowing me up when I think of it. Hope youre both taking care, I bet the weathers a bit nicer over there than it is here in rotorua!


Wed Sep 30, 2009 11:43 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Sorry I don't know what to say - but Leytons dad, very moving

((hugs)) to you both

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Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:30 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
thank you for the replies and wishes... we are slowly getting there.. especially me and im so happy about that :)... when i listen to my sons song i dont cry ... when i look at his pictures i'm not so sad anymore...

me and my partner have been talking.. one of the questions we have is when is a good time to try again??? I've had a few responses but i'd like to hear your point of view..

:)


Fri Oct 02, 2009 6:17 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Glad you are feeling a bit better....i remeber having a dersire to start trying again about a month after losing my boy...but then other days knew i wasnt ready at all. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong time...just when you feel phsically and emotionally ready i guess. For me i started trying after 3months but i think if i had of got pregnant straight away i would of really stuggled emotionally.

I think you will know when you are ready
Thinking of you

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Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:02 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Welcome to both of you. I'm so sorry you are joining this site!

I was also overdue when I found out my son had died. It was april this year and I was 40 weeks 3 days. His name was Dreyton and I still miss him every single day, and not a day goes by where he doesn't enter my thoughts for whatever reason.

I also thought about trying again straight away and I think that must be quite normal. I waited the 3 cycles my midwife told me to wait before starting to try again. Whatever you decide it needs to be a decision based on what you and your husband want and not based on what other people think is right. Although a death affects a lot of people, noone can truely understand the death of their child unless it has happened to them. So while other people will have their opinions and will express them, it's important that you stay true to you.

Enjoy your holiday (stupid thing to say I know!) and I look forward to getting to know you, your husband and Leyton.

Nat

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Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:54 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
wow .. i've never met anyone who was overdue like me :( i thought that there was something wrong with me and i thought i did something to my baby to cause that to happen...

in the morning i was feeling good hence the post... then it went downhill from there.. felt angry and let it out on EVERYONE ... me and my partner had a very bad arguement.. i was pysko (but i didnt realise that til now)... i kicked him out..
i'm lucky i have a strong family and a strong partner coz its not easy and i was scared we were going to be another stat... :( :( :( its the worst feeling.. i felt like i had lost everything.. my son and now my partner..
i'm pushing everyone away... apparently its normal... but i'm very stubborn.. me and my partner are okay now.. and he's getting use to my outbursts .. but its not fair on him or my family..
i know i need help even though i didnt want to seek it.. its still raw..

please don't judge me.. and i'm kinda embarrassed of the way im acting.. i know its not right... but these days i don't know whats right and appropriate when im in that state of mind.. does anyone know the feeling??

i just need to vent it out...


Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:27 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
beautiful tatt by the way.. thats an awesome way to remember bubba :) very creative..

we did t-shirts for leyton based on the <<<< avatar.. and me and my partner will be getting tattoos of his name..

so many beautiful people on this site... i'll b forever grateful for the founders of this site..


Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:33 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Im pretty sure we all can relate to that feeling :bighug: Sorry you had such a crap day. Expect to have crap days, and thats what its like.... you will wake up thinking todays going to be a good day and then something will happen. But then the good days start getting more, and bad days get less. Im having a bad day today :cry: Dont know why, just am.


Sun Oct 04, 2009 11:38 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Sorry to hear that Leonie. I'm not having a flash day either. Over the last few weeks we have had 2 sets of friends have babies and today has been the day we have met them. One this morning and one on their way to our place now. It's really hard but it's something I want to do so the emotions are all over the show! I also keep thinking about the fact that on Friday it will be 6 months since Dreyton was born and it will also be my Dad's birthday. I'm sure that will be another emotional rollercoaster day.

Angel 27, we all know exactly what you are going through at the moment. Everything is still so raw for you, and it even is for me 6 months down the track. Noone can blame you or judge you for the way you are feeling, and I can tell you for a fact that nobody on this site will. When we are pregnant we talk about so many things that could go wrong but stillbirth is never one of those things (in my experience anyway), so we haven't thought about how we would cope or anything, not that anybody could possibly prepare themselves for such an awful experience. Try to stop giving yourself such a hard time and just go with whatever you are feeling in the moment. The people who truly care about you will still be there after all the tantrums and mood swings have started to disappear. And anytime you need to vent we are here to listen.

I love my tattoo and my partner has the same one on his arm. I always wanted a tattoo and after Drey was born we decided we wanted to get something done to honour him. I'm such a wuss though and it hurt so bad and I can't imagine me ever getting another one! Haha. One of my brothers has Drey's footprints on his leg too which looks awesome.

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Sun Oct 04, 2009 2:26 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
so sorry for being so slow but welcome, I think the others have said it all, that we all have our down days, please feel free to come and vent and let it all out here.

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Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:45 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
thank you guys soooo much.. ur words of comfort and pure wisdom due to such a sad experience is helping... well i haven't been on here for a few days since my "very bad day" ... and it has been getting better ... much better that i could think about leyton and not be sad or mad..

venting is a good thing... and one day soon i hope i will share the FULL story of leyton ... his service, his burial , my inlaws... everything.. for now i am content letting go a bit at a time..

this i will share ... on Sunday 4th of October .. my brother and sis n law welcomed FAITALA LEYTON TIMU.. my beautiful nephew.. :) on behalf of me and Loni they made his middle name LEYTON.. :) for my beautiful angel :) :) :) they asked me and my brother was worried they might be disrespecting us.. but you know what I'm so grateful... i don't know about u guys but... knowing he has my son's name gives me such joy.. they don't need to use it.. his first name is what he's called and im fine with that .. just knowing he has babys name.. i don't know.. makes me smile.

if you've noticed 04.10.09 .. he was born the day after Leyton would've been 1 month :( ..

Anyways my dad is who my brother's son is named after and he wrote on BEBO .. yes BEBO when my sis in law put baby FAITALA's pic on BEBO.. my dad commented that I'm tricky trying to put my son's name on my nephew and said to throw it in the rubbish.. and that they aren't stupid.. :( :( :(... yeah i can't believe it either... tbc


Sat Oct 10, 2009 4:14 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
my dad is one of the people who believe.. baby is dead ... move on and gt over it..

he doesn't understand.. but that was just ... i mean he's normally a mocker.. he mocks me a lot. even after a night to process it .. i still can't believe it...

what do u do?? i mean.. i don't know :( just depressed..

i hate it when something happens the night before and kills ur sleep and ruins the next day.. especially since today is such a beautiful day.. brisbane is amazing this time of year.. not too hot but not too cold either :)


Sat Oct 10, 2009 4:18 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
:grphug: :grphug: :grphug: :grphug:
Sorry you had to read what your Dad wrote...that really was an awful thing to say :(
I don't know about anyone else but Males tend to say stupid things sometimes...my father in law and even my husband have brouht me to tears with insensitive comments a few times. I remeber one time i sent a txt to my Father in law explaining that even though my boy died i still love him and feel i have 2 children not just my living child. He never responded but it made me feel better explaining to him how i feel and hopefully if they understand how you feel are less likely to make such comments.

Be gentle on yourself its still very early days...

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Sat Oct 10, 2009 4:57 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
it seems whenever i feel down i come on this site... when i was in nz when i felt down i went to visit leyton :( :( .. my sis in law posted some piks of what his gravesite (lil home) looks like.. i feel so guilty i'm not puting flowers on his grave or toys ... i hate depending on others to visit him... I'm his mother i should be there..
being in ozzie isn't all its cracked up to be... me and my partner fight all the time... i really don't know if we can last... its too hard .. and its the same crap over and over.. i feel like a broken record.. like nothings going to get better... `right now.. im feeling i want him out of my life... i'm sick of itALL OF IT..... sometimes i think its because he reminds me of son.. sometimes he's just an a**hole..
i don't know... i'm not even sure im allowed to talk about this stuff... its not about leyton as much..
i miss him.. and i can't stop saying that.. i miss him and i wish he was he here... :( :( :( funny somehow having leyton i thought everything will be alright... make everything better ... its like its 10times worst.. and i don't know how to get out of it... i've never felt more alone .. :(
i keep blaming everyone ... especially myself... i blame my partner.. i blame his family.... i blame the midwife... and i can't move on from here... how do i do that???

i thought i was getting better i thought i was moving on.. but then one lil thing i go bak to square one... its more like square negative 10... y can't i get past this..
i'm blabbering on im sorry...
as for my dad well he thinks he can just make a joke and everything will b ok.. i can't seem to trust anyone or talk to anyone... everyone has the mindset i should b ova it by now... i shouldn't b so hung up on this.... i miss him... :( :( i love him so much y did they have to take him away... he was overdue.. i shouldn't been induced :( :( all these what if... how can i get past this.. it should be geting beter not worst :(


Sat Oct 17, 2009 6:31 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
BIG HUGS :grphug: :bighug:
You will never 'get over' losing your son like people say but in time the pain will ease. And im not talking about a few months either...the grief of losing your child is something you will be working through for years. There will be times you think im starting to feel better and you have taken a step foward only to wake up the next day feeling like youve taking 2 steps back. For me i think it took about 7 or 8 months until i felt i turned a corner and started having more good days than bad so dont put pressure on yourself to be feeling better already...it hasnt even been 2 months.
All your emotions sound very normal to me...the anger...the blame...its just our way of working through why this could of happened.
I really hope you and your partner can find some strengh to get through this because its a really hard place you are in now but if you can get through it you will be even stronger. Guys grieve differently than women and this can be really hard.
Have you read any books?
I found 'Life After Baby Loss' by Nicola Miller-Clendon really helpful to understand some of my feelings and realise how normal they are...its written by a New Zealander and is a nice easy book to read.

Im thinking of you

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Sat Oct 17, 2009 11:18 am
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
Hey guys
There aint nothing in this world that could make me feel any better.But today had been the biggest argument weve had and thought we were on the brink of breaking it off.It never usuallt lasted longer than a few hours but our argument started the night before then we slept never fully resolving the issue.then carried on the next day. i couldnt take it anymore,I had no where else to vent out my anger.My families in NZ.So im on my own.Since son it got worse for me to just really dig deep down and search through the pain and resentment and try and remember the love i felt for my partner when i met her.Im causing way to much grief for the both us.Its already hard as it is.I lost my job the week before my babys due date then i lost my son the next week,And it just kept getting that way,Thinking coming to australia would give us new scenery yet it just makes it harder.My brother in law is well established and is living the life i wanted.The man that works and provides for the family,With 3 kids and Getting married.
After we settled down and agreed we both had enough of arguing i told her i hope i get better,I hope you get better,I hope we get better.
LONI
Father of Leyton Liakimatagi Moli


Sat Oct 17, 2009 11:38 pm
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Post Re: Leyton Liakimatagi Moli - 03.09.09
i was scared we were going to break up.. and then we would have to deal with it alone... i love my family but when you go through something like this i just want my partner..
we are much better.. kinda makes me think we needed to get worst to get better..

not a day that goes by we don't miss him, think of him and wish he was here.

thanks to my partner for comin on here and writing his piece.. sometimes it harder to talk to each other and we just need to write down what we feel and in our own time read what each person has wrote..

i love u.. and will always love u

mwahz
xox


Sun Oct 25, 2009 8:56 pm
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