I went with my sister the other day to have her 20 week scan (I didn't go in - that would have been way too much but I just watched her other 4 kids while she went), she was hesitant to tell me that it was a girl. I'm surprised how well I took that at the time, but now it makes me sad because they would have been play mates and only a couple of months differrence in age.
Her baby is due in March and at first I was dreading that time, I thought I would be jealous - I still don't understand how she can have 5 kids so easily with no problems, even her deliveries are way easier than mine have been. Anyway I've made an effort to change my perspective and actually am nearly looking forward to it. I do alot with her, our kids spend lots of time with each other so I can't really let this whole situation ruin our relationship.
Yesterday I held a 4 month old baby, it was all I could do not to cry, fortunately they had sort of given her to me (after I asked to hold her) and left the room. But anyway after doing that I think it might be quite healing in a funny kind of way, because I do really want to hold a baby not any old one though - its Julia I want. I know it will bring it all back, when she has her baby girl, but by then I'll probably need an excuse to cry again anyway.
Everything is very confusing, even what I just wrote, it doesn't really make any sense - I want this and that but at the same time don't want it.
This week has been kind of difficult anyway since it was two months ago on the 7th, I've been crying in the night - oh why does it have to be so hard?
Its nice being able just to write all this and just to get how I feel out. So thanks for being there everyone.

Dear Rosie,

I think you are very brave to have done what you did after only 2 months, holding a baby and helping your pregnant sister, it takes a special person to be able to do these things.

Take care
Jacqui

Rosie, I agree with Jacqui, you are very strong and brave. I know what you mean though, babies are cute and how can you not love a baby, but at the same time it hurts so mouch you don't even want to look. I have not been able to look at new borns, even though Nicole would be almost 7 months now, I guess she will always be a new born to me.


I sympathise wth you about people who seems to have babies effortlessly. It doesn't make sense, and it is not fair.
Big hugs babe.