Hi all,

You may remember I posted that I was going to a funeral for a 31 week baby today. Well, it's done, I went. I won't lie and say I am great friends with her Mum, but we are friends. It was so hard to see someone experienceing a pain I know too well. It hit me harder than I thought it would. It really shook me. I wasn't sure how I would react as sometimes I can be quite emotionally closed off (self imposed), other times, I'm a blithering idiot. All I could do was stare at the waterfall out the window, occasionally I tuned into what was being said, and looked at the presentation, it was those times that I just started weeping. I can't even say that I thought about Trinity the whole time. I just felt disjointed, I still do a little, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. As bub was driven away we released ballons as the car was passing, thats when I lost it, I had to hide behind a wall because I felt so selfish for crying for my daughter while I was at someone elses funeral.

I don't know if Lee will ever come to this site, I don't know if she's the forum type girl, but I just wanted to share a little of Renae. She was 31 weeks, and from what I know she was stillborn, but they revived her for around 25 minutes. From what i know, she sustained brain damage from lack of oxygen while being revived, but the odds were already against her because of a small placenta. Anyway, thats really the little that I know. Oh, Lisa, she looked alot like Eden, I thought of you as soon as I saw her picture. I nevr actually saw her IRL as they had closed the casket by the time I got the courage to ask someone to come with me.

I feel like such an aweful person, not only for the crying thing, but for feeling jealous because of all the things we missed out on with Trinity. They got to bath Renae, got hand and foot moulds, loads of pictures with loads of people...other stuff too but I can't think of it right now. I appreciate the little we got as I know some people get way less, but I also know there was so much more we could have done in creating memories, we just didn't have the knowledge or emotional capacity to think of these things, I wish someone had helped us with those sorts of things more, I wish there was someone there saying 'here's what you can do, let me help you do it'. Don't get me wrong, we did get some help, but alot of it was things to read about getting through grief bla bla bla. I wish there was a list of ways to preserve memories and contacts that was available to everyone who loses a baby, but not only that, someone there to help make it happen. I'm soryy, I'm totally rambling....Perhaps we need to put together a list of ideas here?

Anyway, like I said, feeling a little disjointed, you can probably tell from this post. I'm going to go and try a regroup.

Bye for now. (ps sorry for my lack of replies to alot of the posts here, I'm not ignoring you, I promise, time has just been so limited, I shoudl be doing the groceries right now, oh well.)

Another little angel has entered heavens gate

Big hugs Manda - what a tough day for you. I don't think you should feel guilty for any of the feelings you experienced, it is all quite normal and completely understandable for anyone in the same situation.

I attended a funeral for a friends Mum a few weeks after Liam's which was just as hard. I kept on having to tell myself it's not about Liam and I am here for my friend ..... still hard though

That's a good idea about putting a list together of memory things people can gather. I guess the only thing is that once most people find this site, some time may have passed and it may be too late - but it's worth doing anyway. We got given a box that SANDS had put together when Liam passed away which included lots of information about dealing with grief, arranging a funeral etc plus it even had some soap, toothbrush, comb, photo frame and a disposable camera! I don't know if other hospitals have a similar thing - but a list of memory things would be a good thing to include in something like that.
I did find a list at one point on some website and I will try and find it again and put in here.

Take care sweets
xox

Thanks Tanya,
I have heard alot of people got a pack like you mentioned. I pretty much got a handful of leaflets and told that SANDS gad disbanded and wasn't meeting anymore and that they didn't even know if the phone #s worked (apparently they did, but in my grief I didn't want to try a # that probably wasn'y going to work). It was only after my husband set up this site that I found out SANDS was still around, just not meeting on the Shore. Alot has changed even in the short 3 years since we lost Trinity. I know I can't change anything, I have alot of regrets, I guess I'll need to deal with that someday, I'm just not ready to accept that we could have done so much more.

Manda, i know how you feel. I never saw GG our of her moses basket or without a blanket (apart from at the very start when they lay her on my chest for a minute, and even then ). i was never asked if I wanted to bath her or dress her. It didnt cross our minds that we were able to. There is so much that we would like to have done with her in the short time before her service that we didnt know about. All we have is a few photos when DH bought the camera in the next morning. I think a list is a great idea. Like you all we got from the hospital was some leaflets on coping with grief. Maybe you could do up a leaflet about this site and send it round all the hospitals etc?? I know personally this site has saved me from losing my mind at times.
Never feel selfish for crying over Trinity, even when its not about her. She is one of the most precious gifts you could ever receive, your own Angel. Gotta go, bawling now

Hey there Manda

Huge hugs to you. And to your friend too.

DOn't feel bad, it is only natural to feel your own loss is well. Not long after we lost Ashley, my cousin died from cancer, she had an open casket and i went up there and whispered in her ear to give Ashley a cuddle and kiss for me, Boy when i thought about it later i felt so selfish. It wasn't about me it should have been about my cousin. I cried throughout the whole service for Ashley, not for my cousin.

I hope your friend has lots of support around her.

Oh man now I am going
When we lost Julia, unfortunately we were unable to bathe her as her skin had already started to deteriorate (sp), and we only managed to get hand prints as the skin was coming off her hands too. I wish that we had been given more resources and information, like the rest of you we were just given the SANDS booklet about dealing with grief etc. It wasnt until I came onto this site that I found out about hand and foot moulds etc. We only managed to get a few photos of Julia, and now looking back I wish i had taken more, like one of my Mum holding Julia as I know that she would cherish that forever, seeing as how she was there when Julia was born.
Here in Rotorua I am working with a lady from SANDS to try to get more information into the hospitals for when people lose children, just to get the awareness out there and to let people know that they are not alone and that there is others out there that they can reach out to if they want, but on the other hand it is hard as it is up to the parents etc to make the first call. I know personally I didnt get in touch with SANDS for nearly a year after we lost Julia, I just didnt feel that I was at that stage, plus I had all of you wonderful ladies on here to "talk" to
When I went to my Grandmothers funeral in January and I walked into the crematorium, it hit me that that was the first time I had been back in there since Julia's service and I lost it Luckily my sister twig and gave me a huge hug and held my hand through the service.
Manda, dont feel bad for crying for Trinity today, as Ally said it is hard at those times to not feel your own loss too.
Love and hugs to all of our precious angels and their loving families missing them every day.

I'm sitting here typing through my tears. For my little girl.

I was given nothing at the hospital in France. It was almost 1am by the time she was finally born and I didn't even get to see her until 2 hours later because they let me rest (had been in labour since 9am). All I have left of her are some photos that DH took, her ashes, her name tag and the little hat they put on her head, that's in a little bundle of tissue paper. I had a look at it once last December and it has blood on it and I just cried when I saw it and I just cried now remembering.

Thinking back, at least here you get something about SANDS. I got given nothing at all. I had a chat with the counsellor on the phone, mainly about how to talk to Eloise about it. It sucks so much.

Oh Dragonfly - big hugs I am really sad that you didn't get given the support that you really need at such a time. It's amazing the difference between hospitals not only around the world but even within New Zealand!

I often think that the 16 days we had with Liam were so hard because every minute we spent with him, we bonded more. At one stage I was so distraught I had to admit that I didn't want to go and see him in fear that I would bond even more and I knew the hurt that was going to be coming our way - but it didn't make any difference. I now treasure every moment.

Take care
xox

Wow this post hit me more than I thought it would. I know how you feel Manda. An ex student from our school had a baby who died a month or so after birth and I could not bring myself to got to the funeral. I think you had amazing strength. I agree, there should be more help at the hopital. Where I am there arew no groups, I feel veru isolated. I have only met one other woman who had the same experience (I actually found this out via a card I got from her-she worked with me) but I felt like since her loss was so long ago I would only hurt her more to tlak about it now. I man I am crying now. Nicole also had the problem with skin coming off. If would have been nice if the nurses had explained it might happen, I felt horrible that I had stroked her face and tore her skin. I would have been nice to have have a photo without the torn skin (well you know what I mean by nice) I have to go this is too much.
J

This has just made be realise even more how much the NICU unit in Christchurch did for us with Liam. They were upfront and honest the whole 16 days he was with us, givng us the best and worst case scenarios (both of which were aweful!) and really encouraging us to take as many photos and video as possible. Even when we weren't with Liam, the nurses got busy with our camera!

Then when he passed away the nurse we had was relieved of all other duties just to be there for us. When we were ready, she helped us move Liam to a special family room, asked us if we would like to bath him, then brought in a change table, basinette on wheels and my hospital bag (which had been sitting untouched since giving birth) which had his clothes in it and helped us change him and get him dressed. She organised tea to be brought in and was then available for the rest of the day/ night for whatever we needed. The night-shift nurse that came on at 7pm was equally attentive and when we popped home to put Caitlyn to bed, she stayed with him and DH's parents (we strangely didn't want him left alone) and did some foot and hand prints and cut a small lock of hair for his book. We thankfully have got foot moulds done of him a few days prior.

We stayed the night at the hospital with him in our room and in the morning, the nurse sat in the room and sang to Liam while we went and got breakfast. Apparently it is the NICU's policy that in these situations, the assigned nurse is relieved of their duties for the time that the parents and baby are still in the hospital and they will also try not to put another baby into the area where your baby was, just in case you wonder in and feel upset about it. It was all a bit of a blurr then, now I look back at it I reliase how amazing the staff all were.

For those that have not had the best experiences, I really am not trying to rub salt into the wounds - just sharing a very positive experience that came out of a very traumatic time.

Hi Tanya, its nice to hear how the hospital were good to you. Dunedin staff were good too, but they have limited resources, so I guess they did the best the could.

Hey Manda, that would have been an incredibly hard day for you to get through, and I don't think anybody would have expected you not to have tears and thoughts for Trinity, as it would have put you right back in the moment. I think you showed great courage in even getting there.

Like Tanya, I too went to a girlfriends mothers Funeral about 3weeks ago, and I found that incredibly hard. She had been sick for about 6mths so I was expecting her to pass, but her service and cremation was at the same place that Satori was cremated, so it was all that I could do to hold myself together, knowing that it was the last place that my angel laid in body

It was a lovely service but it was very hard to be there and not think of her constantly.

Big hugs to Nicoles Mum too. Just wanted to say that my midwife put me in contact with a lady who had been quite involved with Sands after she had lost her little girl 17yrs earlier, because there was not a SANDS group running in my area. She was wonderful and it was interesting, even encouraging, to see how somebody is after that period of time. I still talk to her from time to time, and I think she enjoys it as it gives her an opportunity to talk about her Angel too. Don't get me wrong, I could see that my pain certainly took her back to her own pain, but she did say that it was nice to share her angels story too, as after 17years it wasn't something she did alot anymore, apart from family and friends IYKWIM....

Tanya, that's amazing!

Tanya - as Dragonfly said - that is amazing. I am so glad that some people have positive experiences in this situation - all to often its not like that, and man I'd love to change it if I could.

Yvonne

Manda,
Hugs babe, and 31 weeks just like Eden...

Well I was never told there was anything like SANDS, Actually I was never told anything when Eden passed away. The NICU staff however were wonderful as was the Midwife and the surgeaon who delivered Eden.
They between them helped us do foot rints, Bath her and later that night cause I wanted her to wear her Jammies as blood had poured out her ears and nose down her gown (and yes it is still there cause I have it in a box) the midwife got me some lil prem nappies to change her bottom (even thou we did it when we bathed her)
She cut her hair and did ink prints, we got her to call twinkle toes and Claire came and did moulds.
It was Tamara who got me through the first...weeks, months until I found here (someone here told Mara and I about this site on treasures, not sure who it was thou) and Caryn from Wellington SANDS contacted me via email about 6 months after Eden passed, she also got my contacts off treasures. Mara had told me a lil about SANDS as they were great when Logan first passed, But same deal as Manda, I was told they were no longer.
Actually Oct 15th was the first SANDS event I have ever been to and I only joined Akld SANDS then.