Hi all,

So as I say I just have to admit I am TTC. And today I have just got AF. I haven't wanted to admit it until now, but the fact that I am still trying get pg has started to become a real problem for me.

How do you all cope with it, you all seem so strong and resolute that you want babies no matter what!

Sometimes I think I cannot bear to have all this again!

Please, I know this is a sad plea but i need to hear the shit things that people are feeling sometimes. Just so that I know that I am not alone.

Or am I alone in all this weirdness that is my feelings?

Sorry if this is too harsh!

Love you all

Nikki x

Hi Nikki,

You are not alone in your feelings as I'm sure many will tell you.

Trying again is a big and scarey step, with lots of ups and downs, it's the unfortunate side for those of us who have lost, we no longer have the excitement and joy in ttc, and with each af that shows up so do the feelings of frustration and dissapointment, but I know from experience that the desire to have a baby outweigh these feelings, and I found joy in that, and when it finally happens for you, know that you will appreciate it far more than the woman who has not experienced loss.


Jacqui

p.s though you might like some of this

Hi Nikki
I know the feeling all too well. My husband and I have not yet started ttc, because emotionally, I am just not ready. I still have way too many ups and downs when it comes to my feelings about my son. I do know that when we do start, I will probably be an emotional wreck (so be ready ladies because I'm sure I'm going to need you guys.)
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I'm afraid this will all happen again. But like jacqui said, the ones of us who have lost a child will appreciate the pregnancy experience more than the ones who have not experienced a loss. I know I will never take being pg for granted EVER!!!!!!!
Bridget

Thanks

I am not coping very well. I'm feeling so depressed today i can't stop crying. I don't know how much
of this i can take. It's been 3 mths and i still can't believe my baby girl
isn't here, i feel like i can't live without her. And now this awfulness
that is TTC, it's just added torture.

I'm sorry, i'm just really having a shit day

Love and Hugs

Nikki x

(((((BIG HUGS))))) Nikki-
I wish there was something I could say to make the saddness go away, but I know there is not. I'm still in shock and despair that my son isn't here, and it's been over 5 months now. Take some time for yourself, and let yourself heal emotionally (I know, easier said than done) We're all here for you!!!!
Bridget

Thinking of you Nikki
Jacqui

Big hugs Nikki, I am thinking of you on this hard day.

no you are not alone! I am sorry that this is all so hard Nikki. Anyone who has lost an angel is going to have a hard time going through this process of TTC and you are so brave to share with us. I have some days when I think I will never cope, and others when all I want to do is have another baby. We all need to give ourselves the time we need to process our feelings and try again when the time is right. My counsellor asked me if I had thought about how I would know when I was ready. It's a hard question to answer but I decided that when I felt I was coping 75% of the time, that would be right. It was really helpful to think of it in this way. Also because we already have a child, we know we have been able to do it once successfully so that makes it slightly easier to get our heads around. I really feel for you having lost your first baby.
Big hugs, and let us know how you get on...
Alana

Thanks everyone

It is so very hard to go through this everyday. It's so difficult to imagine that this is it forever, almost competely unbearable.

I can't tell you how grateful i am for this place and SPALS, i don't know if i would have made it until today if i
hadn't had all the love, support and understanding that you all have given.

As i've said before, no matter how alone D/p and I think we are, we are not alone..............we have all of you

Thank you everyone, i hope you are all coping today. You are all in my heart

Love and Hugs

Nikki x

Oh Nikki, Big hugs babe.

I know what you are going through and we are here for you. Getting AF the first month we ttc'd was a crushing blow. I cried for days. Feel free to PM me or email if you want to chat.

Yip, you definetly not alone there hun!!!
I seem to do ok until I get the pre AF cramps and then I get the delays , the the dreaded AF!! MAkes me sooo angry sometimes as I know if my angel wasn't lost I'd have never felt this pain! I feel as if all the innocence has gone from the miracle of giving life now and it seems as this is even a chore that maynot be a reality for me.
I also feel by TTC again my life is on hold from all my other plans..like getting a job, finsihing post grad and enjoying my family. All because I don't want to experience m/c again while out of my safetly net called home.
So really just wanna give you a big hug girl and say I hear ya loud and clear and we are definetly travelig in the same boat..in one or another

Hi everyone

Just a little update on the ttc because i haven't quite got the courage yet to do a ticker. Well hopefully if af is as back to normal as it looks, then OV day i think should be CD16 so d/p and i have been done it every 36-48 hrs since CD12 I don't know if that 's too much, but we wanted to cover every window of chance. D/p as you can imagine has had a great time

Anyway we are now on CD19 so i guess i have about 13 days till testing.

It's the strangest kind of mentalness i have ever known - ttc. When i knew that CD12 was coming i started to get all excited that this time we may be making a baby, and I still feel excited until i test i suppose. Hopefully this is the time. I wanna get off this rollercoaster now.

Hope you are all well

Love and Hugs

Nikki x

Hi Nikki,

Wishing you a BFP
Fingers, toes and anything else that might cross is crossed for you:)

Take care
Jacqui

Hi Nikki,

I'm in the same boat as you with TTC after loss.

I have just joined up to this forum as was feeling very lonely TTC after losing Amelie.

Today i am crying heaps.

Where are you at in your cycle now? I am at CD13 and am terrified about TTC and failing again.

Hugs to you,
Melanie

Hi Melanie, welcome darling i think i missed your intro i haven't
been on here for a while.
You may already have read by now that i have just found out i am
pg. Yes i am terrified and happy and upset, i am finding quite hard
to get my head round. I do have some moments where i jump for
joy, and others where i want to cry and don't want it to be happening
i know that sounds unbelievable. I suppose the only thing that is
always clear to me is that no matter happens lt is always upsetting,
confusing and difficult to deal with ever since we lost our little girl.
So whatever i feel like now, i know the strength will come to get through
this, just like it somehow did before.

I have been feeling a little bit better as each hour passes each day, a bit
more positive anyway.

Sorry i have turned it into a bit of a vent, I hope you are feeling a little
better babe

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

Love Nikki x

Hi Nikki,

That is great news, we are hoping for such news ourselves as I feel Amelie would want that for us. I can imagine the mixed feelings that you have but hopefully as you say, with time things will feel more positive and strong.

Your new baby deserves your love and I hope when we are pg that I will be able to fall in love with our baby again and not have our new baby suffer from our loss of Amelie. Of course we will have to wait and see how I manage it in reality!

How pg are you?

Lots of love,
Melanie

PS We lost Amelie in labour at 41 weeks for no apparent reason. Next time I'm planning a elective caeser!! I will write our story down later sometime when I'm feeling strong.