Hi everyone,
Sorry I haven't been around lately, I've been feeling so so tired that I've spent every available moment in bed! I feel like my emotions are a roller coaster and I definitely cry more easily than I did a while ago. Somehow it's so hard to believe that this baby will survive to full term. One part of me wants to ignore the pregnancy altogether and another part of me wants to appreciate and grow the relationship as much as possible in case we lose this baby too.

A friend gave me a voucher for a massage, so I went last week. Turns out the therapist is also a Christian and a traditional Maori healer. I mentioned that I'd been having some shoulder pain (from an old injury which has flared up again recently with all the stress). She knew immediately which shoulder it was and said she could feel that the source of the pain was fear and deep grief. She prayed for healing from these feelings and that I wouldn't be frightened to bond with the new baby.

Quite amazingly I have not had any pain whatsoever in my shoulder since then. She did not do a proper massage either because of me being pregnant, I had a facial instead.

I can't say that I am completely free of fear now but I do feel a bit more peaceful and more able to accept whatever is going to happen with this pregnancy.

Also I had a 6 week scan which was a bit disappointing because baby was too small to be able to see a heartbeat. The scan put my due date back by 5 days, I tried hard not to feel worried by this as that's what happened at Maria's 20 week scan, it was the first sign that something might be wrong.

We have decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy till I'm well past 12 weeks (well we have told my parents and my 2 best friends). I hate the way women often become "public property" when pregnant, with strangers making all sorts of comments and asking personal questions. I am not ready to put myself through that yet. Already I had to tell my yoga teacher that I was pregnant which brought the question "is this your first pregnancy?" When I say no it's my 3rd, the next question is about how old my other children are. I find this really difficult to deal with - I know people are just being polite but I find it hard to talk about Maria to strangers.
How do others cope?

Thanks for listening!
Alana

Hi Alana,
I feel exactly the same way as far as wanting to ingnore the pregnancy but at the same time wanting to appreciate it and bond with this baby, then I'd be face with the feelings that if I bond with this baby will it upset Trinity, will she think I'm moving on without her, or if I don't bond will this baby somehow know?. It's a very scary rollercoaster.
I've also had the discomfort of people asking me if this is my first pregnancy, I only really tell people about Trinity if they ask me how old my 'other' children are, otherwise as far as they know I have another daughter, and thats all. I have found that most people are quite good about it and ask me questions, which I'm starting not to mind so much, after all, she's my daughter and like any other mother I want to talk about her, some people don't say anything else other than, oh that must have been sad for you (duh) and high tail it out of there. I guess it's a bit like practice makes perfect.
I'm still not convinced that this baby will make it to be kicking and screaming in my arms, but I am beginning to believe in the pregnancy a bit more as each day passes, it is becoming more real.
(((hugs))) for you...

Hi Alana,
I'm glad you got to have a nice facial and your shoulder pain is gone
I know it's hard to appreciate this new pregnancy and everyone's experiences are different, for me as time has passed and I get closer to bubs being born I get excited and feel that hope that I got to have with Riley, I'm still scared (my dreams prove that) and I worry alot, but that is my reality now. When I was first pregnant I too felt worried that Riley would think I was over him, but over time these feelings passed they are just normal part of the whole process (I could have waited 10 years before trying again and I still would have felt these feelings), so I hope these feelings pass for both you and Manda.
When it comes to other people and their questions especially those you people you don't really want to answer to, you could always ask "Why do you want to know?" , I tend to just tell people straight up.

Take care Alana
Jacqui

Sounds as though you have had some relaxing treatments, when I am sure you feel far from relaxed!

I have no advice (I've not been through what you have) but just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts.

Wow Alana, your beauty treatment sounds like much more than a facial. I hope your shoulder pain stays away and you continue to feel more peaceful.

Although I have not been through what you have, I do understand your fears and concerns over your new pregnancy and I will be thinking of you over the next 30 or so weeks while you grow your beautiful baby.

Claire