I feel a bit uncomfortable posting here because no else is pregnant and many of you are trying and I don't want to upset anyone. (it's taken me about a week to get the courage to post)
But I'm just going through a few bad days, I'm really missing my boy and am having trouble with these feelings of sadness, but at the same time feeling this happiness and excitment for the new baby, it leaves me feeling all confused and alone as I don't really have anyone else to share this with, which is why I am venting here. I just feel torn in two directions.
At the moment I putting together a memory box of my little boy with photo's, cards and a book of poetry and words and some other keepsakes which is why I suppose my emotions are so raw but I've found it to be rewarding to the heart.
Well thanks for letting me vent.

Take care everyone
Jacqui

p.s. If anyone is interested I decided to put myself out there and share my story on the story page, not something I've really done before and I have to say it really helped

Hopefully it won't be long before some of us can join you here, but you aren't alone and are more than welcome to vent whenever you like. I struggle with seeing pg women, but it's different when it's someone who has lost a baby. I'm so happy for you. Do you mind if I ask how your pregnancy is going? I haven't read your story yet but am going to after this, I'll also be adding mine soon. I know what you mean about it being rewarding to write your story.
By the way, are you interested in meeting next week with some of the other AK girls?
Below I've added something that I found on another site that gave me some hope after losing Trinity and I thought you may like it, I think it belongs in this section of the forum. My thought are with you, take care. Manda.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

Taken from http://www.empty-cradles.com/

Thank you Manda for you thoughts and letting me know it's ok. My pregnancy is going really great, just after I lost Riley I went and bought a fetal heart doppler, which I having been using every night before I go to sleep since I was 11 weeks, having this has been a great reassurance for me. I know the road ahead of me is long and far from over, but I feel positive and I imagine holding this baby in my arms and listening to him/her crying, I refuse to think of what scares us most.
I would really enjoy meeting some of the other girls, just let me know when and where and hopefully I can make it.

I really like the Thoughts on Becoming a Mother and actually printed it out yesterday to add to my book of poems etc...

I'm wishing for you to get pregnant soon
Take care
Jacqui

Hi Jacqui,
Theres a few of us meeting next week, trying to sort out a day in the chat room forum, check it out there, I'll send a pm anyway later. Take care.

Jacqui,

I am very happy for you! I know it is akward for you but I just want to let you know that it is ok. Somehow it is different for me, since you know my pain.

I hope to join you here very soon. We will start trying next cycle. Corss your fingers and anything else you can for us!

Jenn

Jacqui, Congrats on your pregnancy. I am so pleased to hear another mum pregnant again. Wishing you an uneventful 9 months and a screaming babe at the end.

I too have gone on to have another baby after my loss (2 years In November), it was a hard and stressful 9 months, but I would do it all over again. Have you got a good m/w or doc who is understanding, cause I know that when I was pregnant, every little worry I had, I would ring my obst. he was fantastic, I had numerous extra scans, and NST. They never made me feel like I was wasteing there time. I had all my scans done at National Womans in Epsom ( which is still open for pregnant woman, just not delivering) the machinery was so up to date, and they could scan the placenta blood flow to the baby, which was reassuring to me as that is what caused my babies death.

Anyway I am rambling on now, but look forward to meeting you next week at the Auckland meeting. If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

Allison

To Manda, Telly, Jenn and anyone else who is trying, my fingers are crossed and I'm hoping that it happens for you soon, so I'm sending lots of baby dust your way.

Ally, I have decided to stay with my m/w who I had with Riley, as she was so wonderful and supportive and so far has gone above and beyond for me, tellin me that whatever I want I will get and having the fetal heart monitor is a great relief as well.
Just one thing can you tell me what a NST is ?

Thank you girls for you kind words,
Take care
Jacqui

Jacqui , I am rapt you pregnancy is going well and you did post her..it give us ones trying again some real hope! Sorry can't answer your question though....!!!!
Being the first preggie here means you'll be posting the 1st picture of your little one once born, and hopefully many of us can follow suit!!!
Wishing you a fab pregnancy

I am also wondering what NST is?
And where do you buy dopplers from, how much are they?
Alana

Hi Alana, as far as I know a NST is a non stress test, I can't remember the details of what they do but I'm sure of you 'google' it you will find some info.
We bought a doppler off trade me for $100 new, there was also one there for $60 second hand, the first one we got wasn't working but we exchanged it and the new one hasn't missed a day yet. It doen't take away the anxiety completely but it does give some peace of mind, well worth it.