It hurts!!! I dont know else to describe it, i fell like im gonna break down constantly and i am.
This weeks been tough, first day back at playcentre and one of the ladies is booked in to have her son then another that was due 2 weeks before me goes into labour early and has her baby. Everyone was so excited the whole session and its not like i expect people not to be its a special event but i cant help feeling like im just going to fall apart. Last week my best friend told me shes 3 months pregnant and tonite my 19 year old sister in law announced at her sisters 21st birthday dinner that shes due in september...i lost it.
I managed to get to the car before i totally broke down into tears and fortunately had finished dinner but i feel like im losing it.
I miss him, i want him back its not like im mad at any of them i just want my son too...
Ive felt like i was coping better and now the pains just come crashing back

Hi Debs. Huge cyber hugs. Sorry that you are having such an awful week… I had to put up with the same kind of thing at Christmas. My SIL had just had her baby and everyone was fussing over it. I felt like if they had any consideration for my feelings then perhaps they could have fussed over the baby a little less (or even just waited until I was out of the room). Anyway, just want you to know that I am thinking of you. Take care, Angela.

Oh Debs huge hugs to you...I can relate all too well to how you were feeling at your playcentre session. I too experienced the same thing when I went back after losing Julia. There was another lady there who was due two weeks after I was, and just seeing her pregnant belly was sooo hurtful that the pain was unbearable. Luckily for me one of the other Mums offered to bring DS home so that I could leave early as I was a total mess.

Your feelings of wanting your son back are totally understandable, the feeling of being robbed of your time with him will, I hate to say it, never truly subside, they will just lessen as the months and years go by.

To lose a child is a pain that no one can truly understand until they have been through it themselves and it is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

Please just remember that we are all here for you if you ever need to talk to anyone, have you thought about maybe contacting a counsellor to talk through your feelings? Just an idea.

All the love in the world sweets, and know that my thoughts are with you always.

Gah I just lost my whole post so will try again....

Debs it really sucks ay? It's like our noses are being rubbed in it when we see babies due around our EDD or our friends are all of a sudden getting pregnant left right and centre. We want our own babies so much. It hurts so bad, I could physically feel it in my chest sometimes.

There were a couple of babies at kindy born just before and after Darien's EDD, and I couldn't bear to look at them, felt like I had been punched. I have only just been able to talk to the mums and it's taken me 6 months.

There are always going to be situations that pop up and blindside us when we least expect it, it's so unfair! We and our angels didn't choose this but we have to bear it forever

But you are still your baby's mummy, you have a child even though he's not with you, and he loves you dearly.

Hugs Deb, I know the pain will never totally go away, but it changes gradually to something different and a tiny bit more bearable. (sorry if that sounds like a platitude, it's just what I have found though)

Debs, no wonder you dont feel like your coping very well. Just reading all that just about put me in tears... They do say its like a rollercoaster for a reason, because it truely is. Even a year down the track im still up and down, but as the time goes on it starts to feel as if youre having more ups than downs. you know? But in my opinion, since youre feeling these feelings and really grieving - youre probably coping better than you think you are. grrrrrr. some people are so insensitive!!!

Hi Debs, reading this has bought me to tears too, its been just over a year that wee Georgia left us and even though we have Shawna with us, I still constantly think about GG and looking at Shawna, I wonder what GG would have been like at her age. Even seeing some of the kids that are the same age and GG would have been hurts. It took me about 6 months too before I could handle seeing other babies, I tried my best to avoid situations where I had to see other babies and pg women, not easy at all. There will always be times when you will hurt more than others, but it does get easier to manage. I know its hard to believe at this point, remember we are all here for you

Hi Debs,
It is so crappy aye, big hugs to you. I think pretty much anyone who has lost a child can relate to what you are going through. Both of my SILs became pg before me when I was TTC Trinity and both were accidents, it made me so mad, they weren't even trying, and there I was, I'd been trying for 9 months, had a misscarriage and then finally conceived T. Then when we lost her my neice and nephew were 6 and 3 month, I couldn't bear to look at them. We didn't see our nephew very often, but Corey always wanted to go and visit our neice, it was his way of coping I guess, but I hated every minute, I really wouldn't look at her. It took about 3 months for me to look at her. Even now at birthdays and family gatherings it still hits like a tonne of bricks now and then that there should be another little girl there.
It does get easier, it is still early days, but you will find a way of getting through.

Hi Debs (((HUGS)))

Its very natural to feel the way you do, and I hear ya on thinking your doing OK and then...Whamo! the grief hits you from out of nowhere again. This happened to me at about 3mths then again a little bit further on, however I realised after a while that it never goes - it just gets a little bit easier to live with each day - little steps sweet, and just don't do anything you don't want to or you don't think you can handle. Remember that peoples disappointment in you leaving a dinner early or not holding or celebrating their baby, is tiny in comparison to what you are currently trying to deal with and live with. They will get over it, and hopefully come to the realisation that you are just not in the right space for that kind of thing at the moment.

Huge Hugs Debs!!

Yep can totally relate to how you are feeling at the moment cos that is how I feel too!!

I dont want to go out in case I bump into someone I know. I hate to see the pity in peoples eyes when they know of your loss!! I so hate hearing "oh im so sorry"!! Sorry for what my whole world is crashing down around me and I have no where to go to to turn too!! I too am sooo heartbroken that my heart will always remain in a million little pieces!! Yeah it does suck and it does hurt and we do hurt!!

When you suffer your loss people rally around you and offer so much support then months later when you really need that support they are off living their lives and you are left alone and empty. Somedays I find myself getting angry over the littlest thing and wonder where is all this anger coming from.

So Debs yes I do feel your pain and I too understand where you are coming from cos like yourself im struggling to cope too!!

thanks everybody so much for all your kind words, i dont know how id cope without this site it has been such a support to me. Im feeling a bit better this week, hopefully will just have a quiet week with no surprises

I went to see an OB/GYN today and it was ok...she didnt really have much to add other than she thought the care i recieved from my midwife wasnt up to standard. She discussed how a future pregnancy would be managed and i guess that was good to know what would happen. Each time ive had an appointment to go over what happened i get so anxious and feel so let down after...i guess a part of me hasnt accepted things yet and i want them to tell me its all been a big mistake and i will stil be having Ezra next month as planned...but i know thats not true

*hugs you tight*
It really sucks Hope you have a better week this week, hun.

2 of my friends had babies about 3 weeks after I had Chloe and I remember I just would look away and go hide my tears. A very good friend and also my brother's girlfriend were due at the same time as me, with girls as well. I've met one of those little girls, about twice. I am yet to meet my niece. I was quite wary of meeting my friend's little girl the first time but it didn't go as bad as I feared (she was about 9 months by then). Maybe it helps that my friend is in Auckland and my niece is in France. I think it would be harder if they lived closer, because I would always wonder.
Who am I trying to kid, i'm always wondering. I look at Aidan and I wonder what Chloe would have been like.

sorry for the threadjack...

Hugs Debs!!

Its hard when you have to go over EVERYTHING again and again with a DR. It does drag up emotions and alot of "what if's"!! I hope your OB has words with that MW you had so the same thing doesnt happen again to someone else!! I dont trust MW's as I have been let down by so many of them at the Hospital with my losses. There are few I do trust and want around me when I am pregnant but some of them I have written in my notes has requested not to be in ..... care. You are well within your rights to choose who you want and dont want to be around you or taking care of you in your next pregnancy.

Dragonfly its hard when friends or family have their baby around the same time yours is due. I have two friends here in the Naki who have just had their baby's. One of them was on the day I would have had Caeden it was our goal day to get to to get the stitch taken out and induced. Another had her baby a few days later. I have been up to see one them already due to her baby not being very well and is in NICU so have gone up to support her. I have planned on going to see the other friend hopefully friday. Yeah its hard and yes I do shed tears as I drive away and pine for the ones ive lost. I guess I go and have cuddles in hope that some of that darn baby dust will rub off on me and I too will be celebrating a new life in my arms to stay not taken away. Yes it does hurt and yeah I guess its like a slap in the face that I dont have my baby yet they have theirs. Im just glad their baby's arrived safe and ALIVE!! That is what matters. I wouldnt wish a loss on anyone!!

I do have days when I dont cope very well at all. Days of where I just want to curl up in bed pull the covers over my head and shut out the whole world. There are days when I dont even answer the ph cos I dont feel like talking to anyone. There are days when I dont even want to go to work. But I have to get out of bed!! I have to go work!! Those are my bad days.

One thing that does really hack me off espeically here is the lack of support from the Medical Professions!! One thing im really going to start pushing for is more Counselling and support for PARENTS who loose a baby. I found out recently that there is a Maternial Mental Health Team here and it has NEVER been offered and ive been asking WHY!! When I lost Caeden they took it upon themselves to cross out Social Worker/Counsellor and write Decline on it!! I was NEVER Asked!! So if I am here and do get pregnant I will the Patient from HELL!! I will be demanding so many things like Counselling thru the Maternial Mental Health team and it will be what I WANT not what they want!!

Debs we are here for you sweetie!!

Go Fleur! It's outrageous they never offered it to you. *wants to bash some people*

Debs my heart goes out to you.... as others have said your feelings are completely normal. And as for those with other babies they just don't know, i truly believe that until you have lost a baby you don't understand the grief and emotions that others go thru. My baby son was born at 35 wks pregnant, he lived a day old, i had placenta abruption. I dreaded for so long going grocery shopping, i didn't get the comment but my husband did. 'Oh have you had your baby yet" I dreaded going back to work, for the comments of how is your baby. The first time i was asked it i thought i had up the brick wall but after about 10 minutes my bricks fell. Then i was asked the same question twice more that day.

Just when we think that things are going along smoothly whammmmooooo the flow of tears start up again. What you are feeling is normal grief.

Sheree