I have decided I need to vent, and seek advice.....
As some of you are aware, we have custody of DH's 13 year old boy. We have had him for the last 3 years, he came from a very troubled background and we fought to get him for a long time..........Now I am wondering why......his first year at intermediate, he was suspended constantly for beating kids up, second year, he was sent to Christchurch to attend a special boys school to help his behaviour, this worked......for a while.....this year, first year at high school, wagging, lying stealing, smoking.....I'll just recap this last week, so you get an idea of his personality: last Thurday, stole smokes - denied it, got caught with them, still denied it. Last Friday, wagged class, got caught, denied it, denied it to teacher who caught him!! Monday, wagged class, slipped in mud, denied it, covered in mud from out of bounds area, denied it, said his friend did it!! Yesterday morning, his alarm goes off at 5am, gets screamed at, yes by me, he gets up (who knows why), puts muddy school uniform on and gets back into bed!!! WTF?? This morning, steals smokes, leaves tobacco all over couch.....denies it.....DH searches him......no sign of tobacco?? We go home at lunch time, search his room, no tobacco....BUT......we do find "funky" used tissues......ok, he's 13, BUT they are in my bra - which is in the bottom of his drawer - oh and its wet - the bra not the drawer........(at this point I need to mention that he was playing with my makeup a couple of weeks ago).
I phoned the social worker today, she tells me that we do not qualify for respite care and we need counselling (DH and I, not the boy!!)........WTF!!! oh and to call the police about his stealing. Any advice????? Keep in mind I am supposed to be as stress free as possible....Social worker thinks I am making too much of it, DH is ready to kill him.....

HOLY F*$K!!! That is a real mind blower!! Sorry that I cant be of much help with this topic as I dont have any teenage kids, yet. But I must admit I did giggle at the funky used tissues!! Till I read onto the part about them being in one of your bras !!! Boy oh boy, I sure hope that you can get some help and fast, sounds like this kid is in a bit of trouble.
Hugs Sweetie

Oh Tracey, I'm so sorry I have no idea what advice to give you! You poor thing, this is the last thing you need right now. I really hope you can find some help somewhere.

Oh Tracey.....you poor thing having to deal with all of that S***T. I wish I had some magic advice to tell you, but I'm afraid I haven't.

It all sounds like attention seeking stuff, but that doesn't help with how to deal with it. It would be great if there was a Super Nanny type of person for older kids ..... mind you .... he's acting soo much like a child that maybe that would be the answer!

Take care sweetie and vent as much as you need to!!

xox

Oh boy, me and you could swap "evil stepchild" stories Except mine is a 15 year old stepdaughter who I had sent to live with family members 3 years ago coz I couldn't cope with her behaviour and now she's back.

I can commiserate re: social workers, I've found them to be a huge waste of time, they pretty much told us that as DSD is not at risk of being abused or neglected at home that they're not interested. So we're on our own.

I have had her referred to the Kari Centre tho which is the child and adolescent mental health unit at the hospital here and they will be seeing her for assessment in a week or two. I don't know where abouts in NZ you are but there will probably be a similar local service? If you haven't already found it that is.

The funky tissues would be my biggest concern, not the tissues themselves, but the fact that they were in your bra. That's creepy.

I wish I had some more useful advice to offer, but we're muddling our way thru here too, altho in our case DH has his head well and truly in the sand and is letting (or making) me deal with everything. He acknowledges that she has serious issues but as far as he's concerned, I can deal with them and just fill him in where neccessary.

Big hugs!

Tracey - sounds like you have your hands full sweet.

Don't know what to say really. The smoking one is hard cause having been a teenage smoker myself, all I can say, is the more you try to stop them the more they are likely to keep doing it. My parents tried everything - grounding, taking stuff of me, the works, but they were smokers, so the ciggys were very easy to come by.

Anyway I digress - maybe try to deal with it positively - Does DS play sport? Try something like saying you are not prepared to pay for sport if he is only going to damage his health smoking - Ask him if he thinks any of those All Blacks got to where they are by smoking - that kind of stuff.

As for the funky tissues, bra ect - that must have been a shock however with all of those 13 year old hormones running around his body, he's probably experimenting - and if he knows you and DH have found out, I would think he will be so embarassed that I doubt anything will be taken again.

The main thing Tracey is that you need to not let it stress you - I don't know how you are going to do that but I hope you find a way

Hey Tracey,
Hugs first up and hard as it is big deep breathes you will all get there!

I know this is going to sound really bad BUT here we go.
I tend to see why they recommend that you and DH see a social worker, this would be to help you both to learn ways to cope and not end up killing him (not that you would) also to maybe learn more about where he is coming from mentally.
Being 13 and coming from the background that you have mentioned, I would say he rebelling with the whole teen hormone etc and having had that sort of background that is what he knows and that is how he copes with things. (I am in no means saying that it is ok for him to behave this way)
Also rebelling with change in life fullstop.
The Bra while it is not something you want to find, he will also be dealing with sexuality and sadly this means experimenting (worse part being it was your bra, hidden of course because he would be embarressed.

My DH went to Dilworth back when it was for troubled boys and his Father was Gay so him and I have had many talks about stuff like this about other boys etc that he schooled with.

Altimately the most I can really do is wish you all well.
Do not give up on him, he probably thinks the whole world is againest him and well you may feel like that but what he really needs is to know you guys are there for him

Hear, hear Lisa.

Tracey....take all the help that is offered you, and don't for one minute think that anyone is trying to say it is your fault etc.

I kinda had this problem, many years ago......a blended family of 5 kids, that soon became 6 when we had our own! It is never easy raising even your own children, but harder still when they are steps or halves! But like Lisa said, the social worker will help you to cope. My older 2 step kids were hard work, and even with my own rebellious teen (BTW- not the one on TLO) we were told "that once they are out of your care 24/7 then you cannot control what they do or say". All you can do is be there, let him know you really do care about him, and support each other in your decisions.

PM me if you want to chat about it.
Huge hugs,
Rae xoxo

Hi Tracey,

I was reading thru want Lisa and Rae have said, and I must say they have some given some valuable advice. Having come from a family of steps, halves, fulls etc, I have certainly reaped the benefits of knowing that although sometimes my decisions haven't been the right ones, my mother and stepfather have always been there through good and bad.

I also thought about a book my mother read, as she had a bit of a hard time with my brothers -"How to bring up teenaged boys" or "How to raise boys" Not sure who the author is, but you never know, it might help. There are also seminars that run on the same subject - you may be able to find out when these run from somewhere like you local Parents Centre or something like that.

(((Big Hugs))) sweet and I hope things start to get better If not remember Deep Breaths!

Hi guys, thanks for all the advice, i have enrolled at a parenting course to learn stratigies. The social worker told me that we need counselling not DSS because of the "tramua" we have been through. She does not think that he needs it, but I have asked the dr to refer him anyway. I think with all the negative things that have happened to him, he could do with it. When we got custody of him the Social worker told us that we have a support order too which gives us access to the same provisions as foster parents, but now that doesnt stand, we have never gotten any support from them at all, sorry they sent out a voucher for the pool once. The school isnt all that much better either, We got a letter home the other day telling us that he had punctured a teachers bike tyres and got caught smoking earlier in the week (the letter was posted to us). Then yesterday his class teacher phoned me for my permission for him to go to laser strike in the afternoon. She said the class needed the reward because they have to make it achiveable (sp), I very reluctantly gave my permission (after a disagreement with her about it), The class left for laser strike around 1.30pm, at 2.30pm DSS turned up at DH's work. He had taken off because he said he didnt want to go. The school has not contacted us to let us know he took off!! We have talked to DSS about this, but agreed that since he did the right thing by going straight to his fathers work, we will let this one go but are going to arrange a meeting with the school for next week.

Oh hugs tracey.
I honestly can not believe the SW will not get better help for him! I believe they should beable to at least get him into some kinda couselling? Mirror?
I know by the sounds of things he has had help from somewhere but is their a public health nurse at his school that can refer him to some kinda counselling?
I really hope you can find something to get help with him, sounds like he could be doing some stuff out of confession of who he might be inside>iykwim?
What kind of things do you think he needs? I could ask a friend who does public health stuff if they cater for his age
Sometimes ..depending on the SW , they are not interested too much if its not in the foster system as such

Hi Lynne, we have asked the dr to refer him to Mirror, he was with them in the first year we got custody but then he went off to Mckenzie school. We have a public health nurse that we dealt with during that year and I have asked her to contact us, I think she is on leave at the moment, but she was great and really got things moving. I dont thing SW is too interested seeing as they know he is safe with us, but he can only be as safe as wants to be, IYKWIM? We have had good chats with him this weekend and he seems to be a bit better, for now. Time will tell.

hugs GG..had a chat with my friend in public health and she said they should be there to help, at least get access to things you need for him. Ring the public health directly if no replies coming by now. LOL or if ya want I can PM you my friends work details and get her to get you onto the right one. The one you had might have changed areas you work in but still the phone number should get you someone
Hugs and yeah for a positive talk with SS

Update: We had a meeting at the school last week, his teacher wants him assessed again as he is displaying some very concerning behaviour. Group Special Education guy is looking into this and is also coming up with an action plan, he has also contacted our social worker's supervisor to arrange a meeting. Barnardo's has been great, they are looking into respite care for him - the course I am doing is a lot of fun, I am learning more about myself than him, but it all helps. His mother is on our side though as she understands its just as important for him to have a break from the family as it is for us to have one from him. She's been surprisingly supportive, unlike her own mother. His grandmother is angry about respite and doesnt see why she cant have him when we need a break, this is because she feeds his head full of crap and caused a lot of the issues! She told him about respite care and told him its because we can't handle him!!

Glad to hear that there seems to be thing slowly being put into place, see if you were up here I would be of more help in this area.
And great that you are learning about yourself doing the course, sometimes that is the best thing ever too.
Hugs