Well I'm not sure where I should have posted this, but here will do as it was all empty

I wondered how long it would take me to break down
It hit me last night as I was having my nightly chat with Riley before I go to sleep, the tears just started flowing, I feel so bad because my days are so filled with taking care of Kairyn, that I don’t stop as often to think of Riley or chat with him as often as I used to, I still think of him everyday but it’s not like how it used to be and it makes me feel like I’m letting him down and I don’t want him to think that I’m forgetting him or that I’m too busy for him and the other thing that has me all upset is the sad realisation of what I missed with Riley, of all the things that I had imagined doing with him but never got to.
When I look at Kairyn especially while he’s feeding I feel this overwhelming protective love for him and I feel guilty that I feel this way for him because I never got to experience this with Riley and yet I feel guilty for Kairyn for feeling that way
All of this makes me so angry, upset, and confused, for in the same moment I can feel so much happiness but also so much sadness. Such is the life of the mum with both earthly and heavenly angels.

Hi Jacqui,
(((hugs))) to you. Even though my baby isn't here yet, I already feel alot of what your describing, so I can only imagine what it will be like when she's finally here. I'm certain Riley doen't think you've forgotten him, I'll bet he's right there with you helping you take care of his little brother.

(((((BIG HUGS))))) Jacqui - I'm sorry you are feeling so down at the moment.

I am also sure that Riley knows you haven't forgotten him. He is probably relishing in all the love you have to share with Kairyn and enjoying watching him grow up with you. I can even imagine his proud big brother smile.

Claire

Big hugs hunny ..
Riley will know that you will never forget him, as the others have said he will be loving watching you with his lil brother.
Huggles xxxxxxx

Thinking of you Jacqui, I can't imagine what you are going through, I guess I may understand in a few months time. Go easy on yourself at this time, you are a great mum and I'm sure that what you are feeling is quite normal.

Thanks everyone.
I've been feeling better about it all this week, I have good moments and I have sad moments it's all just a part of it that I now accept. I now dedicate a time in the day that is only for Riley, so that I may talk to him, think of him, write about him or just cry.
I know it may seem too early but I often talk about Riley with Kairyn I like to tell him that he has a special brother watching over him, I want Kairyn to grow up used to the idea that he has a brother who is not with us, and talking about him now means that when Kairyn is older and ready he can ask his own questions in his own time, and making Riley apart of his everyday life now means that it will not be such a shock when it comes time to explain how and why Riley is not with us here.

On a more happier note, Kairyn blessed me with his first smile the other day, it just lit up my whole world and made me even more thankful to have him in my life, I'm just so lucky as I thought it would never happen for me.

Take care everyone
Jacqui

That's so beautiful Jacqui - brought tears to my eyes.

I feel like you are leading the way with learning how to live this life after baby loss. It's a life that is tinged with pain. Big hugs to you and may you have many more heart warming smiles each day.

With love,
Melanie