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 answering a 3-year old's questions 
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Post answering a 3-year old's questions
I wonder if anyone has had the same experience with any of their older children..
Joel seems to have a fascination with death at the moment, especially when it comes to babies. He will often stop in the middle of what he's doing and say that he's sad that baby Maria died. I tried to explain to him a while ago that one day we will all get old and die but he got very upset because he thought that we would die and leave him alone. I guess death is a very abstract concept to a 3-year old. He never saw Maria either which I think makes it hard although he sees her photo all the time.

It was very embarrassing last week because he went up to a friend of ours who doesn't have any children and asked her if she had a baby in her tummy. When she said no, he said "your baby died?"
I didn't know what to do or say.
He often asks me if Julia is going to die too (because she's a baby). It's quite upsetting.

He's made other comments and questions like this in different contexts and it makes me worried that he's quite fixated on the subject. I don't know whether to do something about it or whether it's a natural phase that will pass.

Any advice anyone?

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Tue Dec 19, 2006 8:50 am
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Hi Alana,
We went thru this exact same thing with Bayden (our 4yr old), after the two quick losses of MIL and Julia all within the space of three weeks, Bayden became fixated on death, he got to the point where he got quite upset at the thought of Mum and Dad dying, saying who would look after him as he would be a little boy with no mummy and daddy and nowhere to live. In the end i just had to say to him that we weren't going to die and that we would be there to look after him forever. It is hard for any child to come to terms with death, and you just have to play it by ear and answer the questions that come as honestly as possible, and warn your friends that Joel is fixated on death at the moment and ask them to answer his questions as honeslty as possible also. If they feel that they can't do that, ask them to tell Joel that Mummy will explain it later.
Hope this is of some help
Carley

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Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:34 pm
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Hi Alana
Alyssa and Joel sound very similar. She has been fixated on death for quite a while now. The first day of preschool, she went up to her teacher and told her that her brother died. Fortunately I had already told her teacher, so it wasn't quite a shock to her.

With me being pregnant right now, she often asks if this baby will die, then make me promise to bring this one home. Every morning when I lay in bed, she comes into my room, lifts up my shirt and asks if the baby is OK. It brings tears to my eyes everytime.

Like Joel, Alyssa never saw Tyler either. She was only 2 1/2 when he died and we didn't think it would be right for her to see him. She has seen many pictures of him, so she knows what he looks like.

Like in a previous post, I mentioned that she has been talking to him alot lately. She is still doing that off and on and it freaks me out.

I think it's just a phase that young children who are in the situation that ours are in go thru. It's hard to answer their questions, but yet it's good that they realize they have a sibling that isn't physically here.
I think in time...Both Joel and Alyssa will come to terms with the death subject and move on to other things.....I'm hoping anyhow.

Bridget

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Tue Dec 19, 2006 5:33 pm
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Hi Alana

I think it is really hard for a young child to grasp the concept of death, especially when they have not seen/held the person who has passed. My grandson, who is now almost 16, lost his great grandparents when he was quite young. They were Maori, and had a tangi at the house. He went with his father, and came home talking about the "party" and how he had kissed "nana" & "Poppa" goodbye. He never seemed to be overly stressed, or talk about it. When we lost Trinity, there was no question that both Jordan & his sister, Carmen (4 1/2 at the time) would go to the hospital to see Trinity. On the way we explained what had happened, told them she just looked like she was sleeping, and although we all cried together, neither of the children were obsessed after. As time has passed, and Loralei is now here, we still talk to Trinity, and watch out for signs she is around us. I know Carmen wasn't a sibling, but this was her 1st cousin, and she was really excited about her arrival.

Hugs to you, sorry about rambling on a bit.
Rae


Tue Dec 19, 2006 9:40 pm
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Hi Alana

All the advice you have already been given sounds very sensible but I was also wondering if it is just an age thing. My middle guy is three and has become fascinated by death as well. He even asked us last night when his big brother Zacky was going to die. I haven't spoken to my boys about my mc (yet) so I don't think it comes from that...probably just a realisation that living things do die and then they end up asking questions to find out what that actually means to them and their family.

Hope this helps.

Claire :)

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Thu Dec 21, 2006 3:42 pm
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DH's mum died in the early hours of this morning. She has been unwell for a long time with MS but she got pneumonia and was admitted into hospital yesterday and went downhill fast. So it was a pretty sudden shock. We were in Rotorua for the long weekend but got in the car this morning and drove home. We were staying near the lake, out of cell phone range so by the time family got hold of us it was too late for Angus to drive up and see her before she died.

Poor Joel keeps saying that he wants Granny back and asking if she will grow up again. I think we will take him to the funeral (probably Thursday or Friday) but I don't know whether to let him see her body or not. What do you all think?

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 5:22 pm
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oh Alana, Big (((HUGS))) for you and your DH and of course your littlies.
I think its good that you are taking Joel to his Granny's funeral, but I really have no answer for you as to whether he should see his Granny, maybe you should see how you feel on the day.
Will there be other young ones going? if so, are you able to ask their parents what they are doing for their kids?

Again Big Hugs and I'm thinking of you and your family at this sad time.
Jacqui

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:14 pm
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Alana I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Big hugs to you all.

To me it is a personal choice on whether you let him see the her, I know when Simons Poppa passed away December 04, he was at the house for one night and we took the girls over to see him, Rebecca was 4 and she wouldnt go into the room with him, she just stood at the door and watched him. I would never of forced her to see hiim, I let her choose.

Big hugs
Kim

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 6:15 pm
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Hi Alana,
Sorry to hear your sad news ((((((((Big Hugs )))))))
to you and your family.
With Bayden, our four year old, we let him see DH's mother when she passd away and he handled it pretty well, But like Kim said it is a personal choice and you just have to play it by ear and see how he goes. With DH's Mum we took Bayden to the funeral and arranged for someone to watch him when we went to the crematorium, so that I could spend that time with DH and support him there, whereas if we had Bayden there there would have been fifty million questions there too.
But that's just how we did it.
Hope this is of some help.
Once again thinking of you and your family
Carley

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:30 pm
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Oh yes forgot to say, we didnt take the girls to the funeral as it would of been too hard. As it was I had to console DH when he broke down.

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:22 pm
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Hi Alana

I am so sorry to hear your sad news.

I think that maybe you should ask Joel what he wants to do? I know my mother always asked us if we wanted to go to funerals when we were small.

Thinking of you.

Lizzie

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Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:24 pm
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Alana,

Big hugs to you and your family on your sad loss.

As the girls have said, I too think it is a personal choice. When my grandson's great nana passed away, he went to the tangi, kissed her etc....and I believe it helped him. At the funeral home our loved ones usually look very peaceful, and as though they are sleeping. Seeing them like this I think is sometimes better for a child than wondering where they actually are.

Anyway, I hope the next few days are as gentle as possible for you all. You are in my thoughts.

Rae


Mon Jan 29, 2007 9:49 am
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Alana - ((((BIG HUGS)))) to you and your family. It is very sad that Angus wasn't able to see his mum before she passed away.

My sister took her 3 children to see their grandfather after he had passed away and found it a really positive experience. They made him farewell cards and left other mementos in his coffin for him to take with him to heaven.

On the other hand, we are going to a funeral today for the father of a little girl that goes to creche with Noah. Her mother is also the head teacher there and I know she has decided not to take her to the funeral because it would be far too traumatic for her to see her mother so upset. She is being looked after by friends and then will come later to the afternoon tea.

Hope this helps - ((((HUGS)))) again

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Tue Jan 30, 2007 10:13 am
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Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and advice. Joel was adamant that he wanted to see his Granny so we took him to the viewing on Wednesday. He was so brave and matter-of fact about it all. When we arrived at the funeral place he asked us if it was Heaven! He went in to see Granny and talked a bit to her, put a flower in her casket and had a good look at everything including the handles on the outside! He was full of questions.

I was so proud of him at the funeral yesterday, I think it helped that he had already been to see Granny and so knew what to expect. My mum was sitting down the back with Julia but Joel wanted to sit in the front row with DH and me, he was so good and quiet and gave us big cuddles during the service. At the end he walked up to the casket in front of everyone (about 150 people) and put a picture that he drew on it for Granny.

I was glad that we had asked him what he wanted to do, I think he has a better understanding of what's happened.

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Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:45 am
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Joel is such a sweet brave boy

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Fri Feb 02, 2007 11:52 am
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That sounds like it went really well Alana. Joel must be a very caring and thoughtful wee man :)

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Mon Feb 05, 2007 8:57 am
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