One of my dearest friends lost her precious wee boy this week at 23 weeks gest. I'm not sure of the details but it sounds like she had some sort of infection.

I think because I have some insight into what she must be going through at the moment that it seems a million times worse for me. I just have that vile sick feeling in the pit of my gut that just won't go away.

She hasn't been in contact with me, or any of our friends, so I'm guessing she wants to be left for now. I have sent her a text to let her know that I'm here if/when she wants to talk and how sorry I am.

I really want to do what I can for her so I am thinking of stuff like cooking her some meals once her family have gone home and popping around with something special from Kim's online shop (will go have a look when I'm done here). I was wondering if there was anything special that friends did for you that meant alot at the time? I need a few suggestions cause I'm feeling a bit helpless just now.

Thanks for listening

Oh Lizzie,
I am so sorry for your friend, it brings back some tough memories doesn't it (not that they had gone, iykwim).
I'm guessing your friend is probably still in a state of shock and not sure where to turn, but having had experienced a loss yourself, you will probably be one person she will definatly turn to, it's good you have let her know you are there for her.
The rose was Trinitys birth flower, my aunt gave us 2 rose bushes (we have since been given more for birthdays etc), but even though they're not Julys birthflower, you can get some with beautiful names (rmember me, Compassion, Best friend were a few that we were given), and I remember being told they can keep in the bags/containers they come in for up to 3 months so they don't have to be planted right away. Even a house plant that is hardy and relativly easy to maintain, Peace Lilys are always a hit (Water Lily is Julys birth flower so that may be nice). Maybe seeing if she needs any help or even just advice for any arrangements (ie, funeral, burial, cremation), stuff that you just can't get your head around at the time but insight from someone who has been there would be invaluable.
I just wanted to know I wasn't alone, I mean I had family and friends around all the time, but knowing I wasn't the only one who had lost a baby, she may just need a shoulder and a willing ear.
hth
Love to you and your friend (((hugs)))

Lizzie, first of all the hugest hugs possible to your friend and her family, and also to you as yes it does bring back soo many feelings and emotions.
As Amanda has said just letting her know that you are there if she needs you is the biggest thing. I was lucky enough that a dear friend of the family who has experienced a loss of her own offered to be a support person to me and made it abundantly clear the I could ring her at anytime. Weather it be to talk or just to cry down the phone helped, and it did one particular morning at 4am.
It all depends on how close you are to your friend as to what you do, but the biggest thing is just being there for her. The idea of giving her a gift is beautiful and precious. I was given a locket to put a photo of Julia in and it had been engraved with her name and birthday on it.
Once again huge hugs to your friend, it is heart wrenching when we hear of another angel leaving this earth.

Big hugs to you and your friend.

First I think you are right on with meals, But I would say wait a lil while for them, cause I found people turn up with stuff in that first week and you end up with so much exspecially cake and biscuit type things.
I came home one night about three weeks after and found a box filled with meals on the door step (the box had chiller pads in it) and a lil note in it saying that this friend was thinking of us and hoped the meals would allow us time together instead of strugling with doing the everyday things.

The Warehouse actually has a very lovely looking Angel in there at the moment aswell in the garden area.
But I hated the flowers everyone sent! They made me mad so I would avoid them and go for plants if you are looking at that. (some florist I am going to make)

Thanks for your good ideas guys. I can always depend on you here.

I'm still feeling quite upset by everything thats happened, I don't know if its just because I'm so very sorry for her or that it's bringing up a whole heaps of my own greif? Probably a bit of both.

I've got a bit of a plan now (I alway feel in control if I've got a plan) of what I can do for her. I went out yesturday and bought a lovely rose bush called "Loving memory" - great name, and a really nice card. The card has a pic of two kids playing at the beach on the front and the quote "don't cry because it happened, but smile because it did". I don't think she'll really get that just now, but its something she can keep and will hopefully make sense to her later, IYKWIM?

I spent an hour or so last night writing her a wee letter in the card, just letting her know that I was thinking of her and I thanked her for all the times she had been there for me when I lost my baby and was pregnant and freaking out!

I really like your suggestion Lisa of waiting a few weeks and then dropping off some meals. When I get the cance I'll pop into the red shed and look for that Angel too. I also remember seeing some lovely Angels at the local christmas shop but I'm not sure if they are open this time of year so I'll look into that.

Yesturday I sent her an email with a link to this site and to EBB, just in case she felt like reading about other peoples experiences or sharing with someone.

I'm going to drop around to her place this afternoon to give her the rose and card. I'm really scared because I just know I'm going to get all upset, but I can't avoid her as thats not what friends do. Wish me luck

Lizzie, sounds like a good plan that you have got going there. Don't be afraid to get upset as it is a natural thing to do and I'm sure that she will understand too. Give her all of our hugs and support too.

What a lovely Rose name!
And I know the card cause we have it here (actually would not be many around we dont have)
I think being there and continueing to be there and also letting her talk about it if she wants is really one of the things I found the most helpful cause you know how it is when the world carries ond you are left sitting there thinking...well now what....

Lizzie, sorry to hear about your friend, that's awful. It seems somehow worse when it's our friends who suffer.

I agree with what the others have suggested, and your plan sounds great. I would add that it might be nice to keep in touch quite regularly, say phoning her once a week to check how she is. I remember how lonely it was after about 6 weeks when people stopped visiting and sending stuff, like Lisa says, the world keeps going on around you even though your world has fallen apart.

I had a couple of close friends who rang me regularly to check how I was doing, and were willing to sit and listen to me. It kinda depends what sort of person you are, but I find phoning people really hard, even if they have offered a listening ear, so having my friends phone me rather than waiting for me to phone them, was what I needed at the time. And more than anything, as time goes on, people stop talking about your baby so much, so the opportunities to talk get less and less. Even now I really appreciate friends who are not scared to say Maria's name or to let me talk about her.

Hope this makes sense. Let us know how you get on.

I am so sorry to hear of your friends loss. All the ideas that have been suggested bought me some comfort. One thing that stands out from all of them though was a card a friend wrote me who had lost her son about how she dealt with it and what it has taught her. It allowed me to see that I will get through it and that there is a life beyond this but also wasnt too in your face. My other friend also got a locket engraved with Bradleys name so I could have him with me allways. My best friend didnt do anything special at the time but just be there and let me talk. Now she visits brads grave and that means more than anything that all the other people have ever done or said. As it shows that she still thinks of brad and makes him a part of her life. Im sure your friend will appreciate everything you do no matter how big or small.

I totally second ALL of that. I'm not one for picking up the phone and calling people, it actually takes alot of thought and self encouragement to make a phone call at the best of times for me, so when poeple call and mention Trinitys name it really means alot. Also feeling like people have forgotton after a couple of months is difficult to deal with. I remember once reading someones story and they said something like "didn't the world feel the cosmic shift when my baby died?" I used to just stare out the window wondering how people could just be going about their daily lives like nothing had happened.

Let us kow how your friend is getting on and that she is most welcome to visit us here when she is ready.

Hi Lizzie,
I'm so sorry to hear of your friends loss, big hugs to you.
What a thoughtful gift the rose bush is.

Take care

I've just come back from a very good visit with my friend. She is doing well, slowly coming to terms with it all and still re-living the nightmare in her head over and over.

I stopped by to see her with two take-out latte's and a big chiller bag full of home cooked meals and choc chip cookies . What a great suggestion Lisa. She just had the biggest smile on her face when she opened the bag. She hasn't felt up to cooking yet and her DH was having to come home from a long day at work to cook tea, so its nice to know that they can both have a couple of nights off.

We had a lovely long chat about the birth and her plans for the future. It was just so nice. I certainly felt better for it and I hope she did too.

Thankyou all so much for your kind wishes, and the nice chat I had with Kim the other night. It has really helped alot to have you all here offering support and wonderful ideas.

Lizzie it is good that your friend has a friend like you IYKWIM
give her out hugs and let her know that she is in our thoughts